Listen To An Elder’s Story and You Both Gain

When my dad was recovering from a back operation he needed someone to stay with him, even though there wasn’t much work that needed to be done.

My mother was with him most of the time. I’d take time to be with him to give my mother time off.  When she was gone, I’d encourage Dad to tell me stories about his very unusual childhood. I heard things I don’t believe I’d heard before. Maybe I had, but wasn’t truly listening.

Those were some of our last, lucid conversations before his surgery made such gifts impossible. I carry those stories with me as a part of my own history.

My father-in-law had a similar situation, and I did much of the same thing with him – just sat and let him talk. We close up shop that way, shortly before he died. It’s a bit part of the closeness we shared.

A person’s past is such a large part of his or her identity. The memories stored in our brains are memories to be shared with loved ones. Reliving those memories make up a good portion of quality elder years, for many people. Having a listening ear makes those stories more real.

We, as caregivers, need to be alert to these precious moments when, if we grab them, we can give our attention to our loved one. By doing so, we help them validate their life, in their own mind. And, in the process, we gain insight into who we are.

Comments

[Nikki Jong]

Carol,

I agree with Rodney. Thanks for posting on such an important but oft-overlooked aspect of caregiving: simply listening! Your post reminded me of a wonderful resource that we came across in publishing our Bay Area Guide to Senior Care. It's called Storyzon, and it's a biography writing service. Basically, the organization believes in the therapeutic nature of sharing one's life experiences. Not only does the senior get to talk and engage with another person (the biographer), the experiences are then relayed into book form, with the senior and family members weighing in on options like including photos, etc. It's such a wonderful idea with lasting effects for everyone involved. I wish I had been able to send Storyzon to interview my grandmother before she passed.

[Carol]

Rodney, how wonderful for you and your family. It's a great idea to pass on, as well. Thanks for commenting and please stay tuned. You obviously know the value of mixed generations.

[Rodney]

Carol, What a wonderful post on the value of listening to our elders. I suggest your readers get hold of a video camera, set it on a tripod close to a loved one (so the camera mic. can pick-up their voice) and interview them about their experiences. I did this with my Nanna Sharp years ago and I was such a pleasure. It's a good thing I did that interview too--my Nanna died unexpected just a few months after our taping! I still miss my grandmother, but I am glad to I got to know her a little better.