Well Spouse Association has unique caregiver focus

Throughout my years of writing about caregiving, I’ve often recommended the Well Spouse Association as a resource for spousal caregivers. As a family caregiver who spent two decades in varying caregiving roles for a total of seven elders, I’ve endured a lot of emotional upset. While none of my own caregiving was spousal in focus, I did observe my mother, and my mother-in-law, in their spousal caregiver roles. I was the helper, but the wives started out as primary caregivers until their own health failed. It was obvious to me at the time, and even more so in hindsight, that while there is much crossover in caregiving relationships, there are also differences.

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Comments

[Carol Bradley Bursack]

Hi Kim,
Your problem is fairly common and interesting to many, so I'll use an edited version of your question with a different name for a column. That way more people can see a complete response.
For now, I can say this: Your dad is an adult making his own choices. This is horribly painful for you to watch, but your mom is terminal, so from my view it's better to try to make peace with your dad and realize that your mom's abuse comes from her disease. You may want to contact the Alzheimer's Association at www.alz.org for help in coping with this distressing problem. Please watch the blog for a more detailed comment. Thanks, and good luck. I know it's hard. Carol

[Kim Hellyar]

I'm hoping you can advise me on our problem.
My mother has end stage COPD, dementia/alzheimer's/lung cancer and is in the hospice program at home. She was diagnosed three years ago. She can be quite aggressive at times and usually my father is the target. Over the years, it has taken it's toll on him and he has taken on the personality of a battered husband. I'm very concerned because he is post triple by-pass, diabetic and has kidney problems. Now, I have become the target and she will not talk to me. I am an only daughter. My daughter is going to try to go over but I'm fearful that that won't last long and she has MS and I don't want to put her in the firing line either.
She has caretakers 24/7 but my father has told them they are not to come into the room unless asked to by my father. He is doing 90% of the care. He won't listen to me, get's mad when I suggest anything. Will not take the advise of the hospice nurses as far as medication to help with anxiety. I feel like my back is against the wall. Now I don't feel like I should go over there because I feel like I have become a major trigger to make both of my parents mad.

[Annie]

Sounds like a wonderful group. There is so much good information on this site. It is nice sharing sources. It certainly gives us caregivers support.