Minding Our Elders®

Wishing an elderly, ailing parent could die and feeling guilty

Let’s say a widowed father has a stroke. The family goes into crisis mode. The doctors bring him through, and then what? He’s disabled and can’t go home alone. The family doesn’t want Dad to go to a nursing home, so the daughter who lives in town makes some adjustments to her home and takes dad in with her. Everyone is on an adrenaline high. Then reality sets in.

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How can you date while you are a caregiver?

When I look at this first step, I relate it to a young mother with kids. I rarely compare elder care to child care, because I find that comparison demeaning to the elder, but there are times when it’s nearly unavoidable. This is one of those times. Because your parents may be at a time and place in their lives where they are vulnerable, and could easily jump to the conclusion that your will not have time for them if you find romantic love in your life, I’d advise you don’t bring home every “perhaps” date you go on. If your friend sets you up with a date, go ahead, but give it time before you take the plunge with a whole family introduction.

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Coping with the Stigma of Dementia

Dementia, mental illness, physical disabilities and other issues that make us "different" from other people often bring stares from lookers on. I don't believe most people mean ill. I just feel they are curious, and often sympathetic, but they don't know what to do or whether or not they should offer to help. In a perfect world, we'd all do the right thing. We live in an imperfect world. How do we cope when we have a parent who struggles with dementia and we have him or her out in public?

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Make peace with father who takes mom’s abuse

Dear Carol: My mother has end stage lung cancer and Alzheimer’s. She’s in a hospice program at home. She can be quite aggressive at times, and usually my father is the target. Over the years, he has taken on the personality of a battered husband. I'm very concerned because he is post triple by-pass, diabetic and has kidney problems. Recently, I have also become an abuse target.

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Gold Alert for missing seniors making headway

According to an article on the Wall Street Journal website titled Lawmakers pass bill to help missing elderly, New York has joined other states including Illinois, West Virginia, North Carolina, and Texas in this effort that gives searching for missing seniors with disabilities the same urgency as searching for missing children.

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Contest: Nominate a caregiver for Shire BRAVE Award

A number of years ago, when I was looking for an agent for my first book, which happened to be a platform for caregivers to tell their stories, I was told that, “nobody is interested in this issue.” These days I laugh at the memory. Family caregivers have come into their own in many, many ways. Medicare.gov/caregivers now offers an excellent vehicle in Ask Medicare for helping caregivers sort out many sticky health and financial issues they face. Ask Medicare also gives caregivers a chance to submit their own stories to help support other caregivers who may be struggling.

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Coping with reality: long-term caregiving causes a major life shift

It may sound selfish to some, but to caregivers who dove into caregiving with full hearts and no planning, then ended up sustaining this life-altering mode for months and often years, it’s a perfectly rational question. People put their lives, as they are living them, on hold in order to care for others. That’s good. But when “ hold” becomes the new normal, there’s a mental adjustment to go through. And sometimes that includes dealing with resentment.

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Glen Campbell goes public about his Alzheimer’s diagnosis

Alzheimer's disease is no respecter of fame, talent or financial status. Witness the sad news that, according to MSNBC, Glen Campbell, 75-year-old Grammy winner, has announced that he's been diagnosed with AD. Campbell is loved by his diverse fan base for his pop/country hits, but is also widely admired by guitarists for his exceptional talent on that instrument.

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Medications in nursing homes: hard to get it right

Anti-psychotics were frequently prescribed when people had dementia. For some, a light dose may have been just the right thing, but one medication doesn't suit all elder issues. Gradually, nursing homes came under more intense scrutiny about safety and most states put strict guidelines in place about hygiene, restraints and, of course, medications for the convenience of the staff.

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Hospitalization of elders can lead to delirium or worse

We’ll never really know what happened to my dad. He went into the hospital to have a fairly simple operation. Doctors were going to insert a shunt into his brain to drain fluid building up behind scar tissue left from a World War II brain injury. Shunt insertions are considered quite safe and effective.

Whether the failure was caused by Dad’s age, excessive scar tissue, a surgeon who had a bad day, the anesthetic or the trauma of hospitalization will ever be a mystery, but Dad as we knew him disappeared and we brought home a man with severe dementia. He was to live in that world of dementia for a decade, before he died.

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Transportation options for elders can ease driving transition

Most of us with aging relatives will eventually face the “how do we stop them from driving” problem. To many people, driving a car equals independence. One reason for that is the lack of convenient public transportation in much of our country. Very large American cities such as New York, plus most of Europe’s large cities, generally have good public transportation, so people who don’t drive aren’t stranded. But across the country, accessible public transportation for elders is hard to come by.

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Families need to communicate in order to plan for aging loved ones

Many fortunate adult children watched their parents care for their aging grandparents. Making decisions about elder care was a natural part of family life, with the elders leading the way if they could. Some people didn't witness this generational concern. Whether families were separated by geographical distance, dysfunctional behaviors or early death, they've missed seeing generational communication about caring for aging family members. In either case, aging elders will face challenges, so family communication is the best way forward, when possible.

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Father’s Day: celebrate however you can

Dear Readers: Though my dad has been physically gone from my life for a number of years, he stays with me in spirit. In a strange way, perhaps, it’s easier to celebrate the idea of Father’s Day now that he’s gone than it was during his last years of his life.

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Federal government healthcare consumer website offers good information

A federal website, managed by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, is aimed at helping to educate health care consumers. Healthcare.gov can help seniors or their caregivers "explore public and private coverage options, learn about care quality, and understand how the new Affordable Care Act laws will affect you and your family."

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With or without dementia, he'll always be your dad

I hear from many struggling caregivers who want to just "get through" Father's Day. Their dad doesn't know what's going on when they do a celebration. He's either unable to respond or else he's aggressive or moody because of Alzheimer's. How do we handle days like Father's Day; days that should be full of love and closeness?

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Elder care across cultures

Editor's note: I seldom feature a guest post, but this article addresses a cultural issue in elder care that is rarely brought to light, yet will become more important as our multi-cultural society ages. Author Särah Nour writes about the differences between the Arab culture and our US culture when it comes to caring for aging family members, however, people of Hispanic and other cultures will also relate. Nour makes points about respect and dignity that I believe should span all cultures.

Clashing cultures and elder care controversy

By Särah Nour

While nursing homes are commonplace in America, other cultures see them as degrading to elders, and putting a relative away is considered betrayal.

Years back, when I was a preteen, I remember one of many instances where I was angry with my dad, for some reason or another. In the heat of the moment, I declared, “Be nice to me, ‘cause I’ll be choosing your nursing home!” My dad replied, “You’re not putting your mom or me in a nursing home. You’ll have to take care of us when we’re old.”

Looking back, I eventually came to realize that my non-Western father had expressed a very traditional Arab sentiment.

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Resetting the past can help smooth current caregiving experience

Whether we are adult children caregivers, spousal caregivers or a caregiver for some other person with whom we have a history, there are bound to be some issues from the past that would popularly be called “baggage.” Baggage is often thought of negatively, but it’s not always so. It simply means that we have complications that have evolved from the relationship over time, and these mindsets still affect our lives.  Whether you are caring for a parent who didn’t do a good job of caring for you, or you are caring for a beloved parent or spouse who now has Alzheimer’s or another disease that changes their personality, you are bringing your relationship history with you.

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What can you expect when you dive into elder care?

No one can be prepared for every contingency with eldercare. Each day brings the chance of an emergency health issue, negative moods (care receiver and/or caregiver), disagreements over what care is needed and what is excessive and many more. We just do our best. Still, there are a few things you can emotionally prepare yourself for.

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Long-distance sibling has Power Of Attorney

Dear Carol: My brother, my only sibling, lives across the country. He has Power Of Attorney for our mother. This causes problems for me, as I’m the primary caregiver for Mom. Mom seems to think that since I am with her, my brother would feel excluded without what she considers this “token gesture.” She can’t understand that having POA is not just a “token.” When Mom had her legal papers drawn up, she didn’t foresee the complexity of my having to cope with the medical and financial tasks that come our way, without the right legal documents.

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5 questions for first-time caregivers

Caregiving isn't for wimps. If you've never been the primary caregiver of a vulnerable person, particularly an elder, there are several questions you should ask yourself before diving in. There are many ways to be helpful without becoming the primary, hands-on caregiver, which is a task not everyone is cut out for.

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