Minding Our Elders®

Are Your Siblings in Denial About Your Aging Parents?

...even with updates and warnings, a distance sibling doesn't always get the full picture. Added to that is the disturbing reality that often an elder will perk up when the long-distance adult child shows up for a visit, making the caregiver look like he or she is exaggerating the illness of the parent. That's only natural. The parent is thrilled to see the long-lost child. Everyone is excited and the adrenaline is pumping.

Read more about siblings in denial about aging parents:

National TV talk show looking for siblings who have conflict over caring for aging loved one. If  you are interested, please contact me.

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Only Children Vs. Sharing Decisions With Siblings – Which is Easier?

In the world of caregiving, sibling issues abound. Any problems that were around when you were growing up will likely turn up again, as your parents age. The pecking order rarely changes. The "girl" work and the "boy" work rarely changes. There are exceptions, of course. And there are a few families that get along so well that these issues never are a problem. But watching our parents age is nearly always difficult, and when you throw in complicated decisions about whether to go ahead with dangerous or expensive treatment with a frail elder, differences of opinion abound. Even living decisions - stay home, assisted living, nursing home? - can cause great conflict.

Read more about sibling conflict over aging parents' care:

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When a Parent Has Dementia, Arguments Can Be Counterproductive

"Thank you for helping an old man’s fantasies,” Dad said, in one of his increasingly rare moments of clarity. He looked at me through clear, intelligent eyes to thank me for producing the degrees and awards he’d asked for; for taking dictation and "mailing" letters to local and national leaders; and for supplying him with business cards and a title. The moment was brief. His pupils soon returned to mere pinpoints, his gaze unfocused. Dad, once again, was swallowed up by his dementia.

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Solanezumab Fails Phase 3 Alzheimer’s Trials: Retains Faint Glimmer of Hope

August 2012 has been a busy month for late-stage testing of long awaited Alzheimer’s drugs. Unfortunately, the results haven’t been good. In early August, information was released disclosing that Pfizer’s bapineuzumab did not meet the primary endpoints set up by the studies, and trials were stopped. Now, Eli Lilly has also announced that their contribution to the Alzheimer’s battle, solanezumab, did not meet the primary endpoints, both cognitive and functional, in either of the two Phase 3, double-blind, placebo-controlled studies on the drug.

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Caregiver's own health often neglected

Dear Carol: My elderly parents have two or three medical appointments every week and I am the only person who is willing to take them. The result of this is that I don’t go to the doctor myself. I believe this is partly because I am exhausted from being in doctor's offices so much. The other part is that if I did go for a check-up and something was wrong it could be too time consuming to handle my parents appointments and my own. I know you’ll tell me I should take care of myself, so I guess I’m just asking how common this is. - Grace

Dear Grace: Caregivers who neglect their own health for the reasons you cite are so common it’s almost normal behavior.  I was like you, so I completely understand. With multiple elders to care for, sometimes I felt like I lived in doctor's offices. I skipped mammograms, among other things. I knew that was unwise, but I just couldn’t face making the appointments for myself, let alone the follow through. I was fortunate that I didn’t develop health problems that worsened because of my self-neglect.

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Siblings in Denial About Aging Parents

...One form of denial takes advantage of distance. There is a caregiver in town and there are siblings at a distance. It's definitely harder for the long-distance caregivers to give hands-on care, but there are things they can do, whether it's bookkeeping for the parents or writing an occasional check to hire respite care so the hands-on caregiver can hire help. However, when one is at a distance, it's easier to hide one's head in the sand.

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Is Anesthesia Worth the Risk for Elderly?

...When sharing my personal opinion,, I made it very clear that an informed decision includes information on what anesthetics can do to the aging body. Several studies have been done on the effects of anesthetics on the aging body; however the one I often go back to was done by researcher Roderic Eckenhoff, of the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Eckenhoff was especially suspicious of one commonly used anesthetic, isoflurane, as a possible culprit in pushing some elders over the edge into dementia.

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3 Reasons Siblings Often Don't Help with Parent Care

...Caregiving can grow from just running a few errands for the elder into a full-time job. Many people have quit paying jobs, or not accepted a promotion, in order to be available to care for an aging parent. From the outside, it looks as though this person has the time. In most cases, the person has made the time, often at great sacrifice.

Unless there's a family agreement, family caregivers don't get a salary. That not only affects their current financial status, but their future, because family caregivers aren't paying into Social Security if they can't work. Therefore, those of us who have given years to caregiving often find our own later years threatened by poverty. Yet, many of us stay home from a paying job to care for an elder; thus we "have the time."

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The Complications of An Elder With Dementia, Memory Loss and Accusations of Stealing

Victoria had a thing about her red sweater. It was obviously purchased at a store – the tag was still on it, though it was faded. She wore the sweater daily, until a CNA would finally tell her enough was enough. She would be told that the sweater would get washed and she would get it back the next day. Victoria had a closet full of sweaters, but that didn't matter. She wanted her red one. That red one. And anyone who took anything away from Victoria stole it.

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Should You Get Genetic Testing For Alzheimer’s Disease?

According to an international study last year from the Harvard School of Public Health, Alzheimer’s disease was the second biggest health fear after cancer. The survey also found that there are a significant number of people who were interested in predictive testing. Approximately two thirds of respondents said that they would be willing to get a medical test which would tell them whether or not they would develop Alzheimer’s disease before they had symptoms. 

At this point in time, there is no cure for Alzheimer’s disease and little treatment. Nor can we reliably prevent it.  We can exercise, eat a healthy diet, maintain an optimum weight, socialize and stay mentally active –we can do everything right – yet we can still develop Alzheimer’s disease.

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Mother is Disoriented Returning Home From Day Care

Dear Carol: My 79-year-old mother has mid-stage dementia. She lives with us but goes to adult day care every afternoon, which she enjoys. The problem is, when she gets home she’s forgotten where the bathroom and her bedroom are. Also, she has a favorite chair in the living room but she can’t seem to identify it without a lot of frustration. It’s like she’s never lived here even though she’s only been gone a few hours. When we try to help direct her, she resents it and says we’re bossy. Yet she doesn’t seem to mind when the people at the day care help her. How can we make her homecoming easier? Robert

Dear Robert: Change in general can be hard for someone with dementia since they rely on familiar surroundings to avoid confusion. As you’ve seen, even the few hours she is away from home can cause confusion when she returns. That doesn’t mean day care isn’t good for her. She’s socializing with peers which can be invaluable to her mental health, plus qualified people are caring for her and watching her for changes. Most importantly, she enjoys it.

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Educating Grandchildren and Their Friends About Alzheimer’s and Dementia

Pre-teens and teenagers tend to want to fit in with their peers. Most kids, during those years, are keenly aware of any differences between their family and that of their friends. How do these kids cope when a grandparent or a parent has Alzheimer’s disease or another dementia?

My sons were young teens when their grandfather had surgery that left him with dementia. Literally overnight, the boys saw their loving, intelligent grandfather become a confused, delusional stranger. The looks on their faces told me everything I needed to know. These boys were deeply wounded. They had their own struggle to face in order to accept what had happened to their grandfather.

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Are You Worried That You Have Early Signs of Alzheimer's?

...Getting lost driving home from a familiar place? Not good. But if you just flake out and make a wrong turn because you are preoccupied, it's probably okay. However, if you are driving home from a familiar store and can't remember how to get from point A to point B, it's probably time to see a doctor.

If you do have symptoms that bother you, see a doctor, for your care receiver's sake as well as your own. If your mother has Alzheimer's, you can't properly care for her if you can't keep her medications straight.

But make sure your doctor is aware of your stress level as a caregiver, since stress could behind your feeling that you may be "losing it." Other possible causes:

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Coping With Your Parents' Negative Behavior

...Much depends on the parents' personalities throughout life. If your parents were the bickering type and were always negative, this complaining may be the only way they know how to communicate. They may not even be aware how their attitude affects others. Since you grew up in their household you can ask yourself, "Is this how they always acted?"

I'm not suggesting that their continued negative take on life, especially the things you go out of your way to do for them, is okay. However, realistically, you aren't likely to change their personalities. The physical and mental frustrations that go with aging are likely to intensify an already negative personality, so you already know what you are in for.

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How to Handle Neglect or Abuse in a Nursing Home

...And this is where I went wrong. There was a male CNA on the floor who worked nights. Dad started talking about how rough the person was when he cared for dad at night.  We knew by then that Dad Hallucinated and went in and out of paranoia. So, we were quite careful about taking everything he complained about too seriously. Still, nothing he said was ever taken lightly. We always were aware that he could be right.

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How Involved Should You Be When a Loved One Lives in a Facility?

...Over time, I made friends with the nursing home staff.  I didn't take up their time chatting aimlessly. I didn't criticize them if I saw a problem, but asked nicely if we could change what needed changing, and I listened to their explanations. I kept my visits to an hour or so – just long enough to make sure everyone's needs for the day were taken care of. Therefore, my presence seemed welcomed by the staff and certainly was welcomed by my loved ones.

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How Do We Communicate With Elders Who Can't Express Their Needs?

...We need to remember that someone who cannot talk is very vulnerable. She can't say what feels good or what she doesn't like. So, if you are using touch as a means to communicate, you need to be very tuned in to body language. The same goes for providing communication through hearing. Many times the two are connected. Watch the person's body language carefully to see what you should continue, or what you should change.

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Building a Network to Look Out for Your Parents

Note: I was interviewed for an article on aging in place by the PBS site Next Avenue. The information should be helpful for Minding Our Elders readers, so please follow the link below. Carol

If you're looking out for a parent in declining health who continues to live alone, and who resides more than an hour's drive away, consider yourself a long-distance caregiver. It's a hard role to fill alone, but an informal network of eyes and ears can provide crucial aid. These supporters can be neighbors, friends, parishioners, even a mail carrier or the pizza delivery person.

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New Caregivers Need to Know What Resources Are Available

Dear Carol: My parents are in their late 70s and had been doing really well, or so it seemed. Then, about three months ago, my dad had a heart attack from which he’s now recovered. However, during the time he was ill my siblings and I realized that our mother has been mentally declining. It seems Dad had been covering for her for a long time. She has now been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s disease. We are feeling overwhelmed with decisions and don’t know where to turn for help. Elaine

Dear Elaine: When caregiving comes at people suddenly it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes people don’t even know where to start looking for help, and when they do see options the whole range of choices can confuse and overtake them.

Read more about how to find available resources to help your loved one:

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Detaching With Love: Fixing Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

...many caregivers  talk about caring for parents who have abused them for a lifetime. Aging, and the problems that come with it, has only made this abuse more intense. No, your parents may not be able to hit you anymore, but that loss of physical control for them sometimes can make their tongues an even stronger weapon.

Yet, it's natural for adult children to love their parents and even want to care for them as they age. If your parents abused you when you were a child, how do you care for them without harming yourself by being subjected to ongoing criticism and abuse?

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