Can caregivers get so drawn into the world of the care
receiver that their mental health is
at risk? I received a private email from a reader that made me think more
deeply about this possibility.The reader said she’d
been caringfor her mother in her
mother’s home for three years. The mother has middle stage Alzheimer’s and can
be quite “creative” about reality.
Since communication is vital to quality of life, we who care for
those with Alzheimer’s or other diseases that make understanding
language difficult need to learn unique methods of coping with the
challenge. It’s not easy. When your wife thinks you are her brother,
when your dad thinks his best friend is robbing him, when your
75-year-old mom insists that her baby is in danger – it will be your
challenge to try to find words or actions that will calm your loved one
and redirect his or her thinking.
Dear Carol: My mom is in a
nursing home because of mid-stage dementia and other health issues. I love her
dearly and visit often, but I feel guilty because I dread my visits. It’s not
that I don’t want to see her, it’s that I don’t know what to do while I’m
sitting there with her. Do you have any suggestions to pass the time without so
much awkwardness? - Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann: First, you needn’t feel guilty. Many people in
your situation feel at a loss when it comes to how to spend visiting time at
the nursing home.
...For five years, the kids and I were Joe's family. He had a son across
the country and scattered grandchildren. I was his in-town lifeline. I
made phone calls to his son, so Joe could talk. I would write down the
answers for Joe to read, and then he'd talk again. It was a three-way
conversation, but he looked forward to each Sunday call. My kids and I
rescued his old bottle-brush Christmas tree from his attic and decorated
it each Christmas.
...As Nancy talked, she described the turmoil she is facing as her parents
age. I was able to assure her that she is not alone in her feelings. She
grew up with an abusive mother. The abuse was physical as well as
emotional. Her father was gone much of the time, doing what most men of
that generation did.
...Then there's the other side. Many seniors are living in the same home they raised their children in. These homes are modest, but worked well for raising their family and even for the early empty nest years. Often, however, they are two-story cottages, with the bedrooms and the only bathroom up a long flight of stairs. They have small closets and full basements, generally stuffed to the rafters with things they've forgotten but feel they can't live without.
During the time I was caring for Joe, I'd set up a personal alarm system,
so he would get help if he fell or needed assistance for any reason. He
had the necklace variety, and generally wouldn't wear it until I hung
it around his neck during my daily visit, generally around the noon
hour. Many times I was grateful for that alarm, as Joe would fall often,
due to his early deafness and accompanying ear problems, and of course,
also due to his alcohol consumption. When he fell, he knew to push the
button on his alarm.
...Another factor is control. As people age, they lose more and more control over their lives. But one thing they generally can control is dressing and showers. The more they are nagged, the more they resist. "This younger generation is trying to take over everything. Well, they aren't telling me when to shower, that's for sure. Besides, I'm just fine!"
Dear Carol: My mom is nearly 87, lives in a nursing home, has mid-stage Alzheimer’s, advanced arthritis, and is nearly blind. She hates to get out of bed because of pain and eats very little. Her memory is poor and she doesn’t want to take part in activities. The medication that the doctor gives her for her arthritis doesn’t come close to controlling her pain. I’ve asked her doctor about hospice care but he says that she doesn’t qualify because she’s not considered terminally ill. I say her quality of life is so poor, and she has all of these problems, that at her age she should qualify. From what I understand, hospice could give her much better pain control. What can I do? Cheryl Lynn
...Not only is it a good thing for the very old elderly who are still living in nursing homes. It's a good thing for the "young old," seniors who are more demanding. Yes, because of the leading edge of the baby boomers, and better health care for the very old – letting them live to be even older – many people in nursing homes are nearly a generation younger than the very old people (in their late eighties and nineties) with whom they share the home. And let me tell you, the music, the culture and the expectations of these younger elders are quite different than the older ones. Hence, a sort of culture clash.
