Minding Our Elders®

How do we address Valentine’s Day for a surviving parent?

Dear Carol: My father died a month ago and I’m worried about how to handle Valentine’s Day for my mother. My parents had a good marriage and had always made Valentine’s Day special for each other. I’ve thought about just ignoring it, and sometimes I think Mom would prefer that. However, other times I think that maybe we should do something to honor Dad’s memory and their marriage. How do people handle these times? – Jennifer

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Deciding whether surgery is a good option for an elder can be tricky

This is a subject close to my heart, as my dad had surgery to relieve pressure from fluid on the brain due to an old World War II injury. A shunt was put into dad's brain to drain excess fluid. This type of surgery is not uncommon and is generally successful. Dad went into surgery a little fuzzy from the fluid, but still very much himself. A day after the surgery, he fell into a hellish dementia from which he never recovered until death took him a decade later.

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When siblings don't agree on parent care

Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became a default caregiver can start to feel resentful. The out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial. They aren't around to see how much help is needed. They see Mom and Dad occasionally, talk to them on the phone, and all seems well. The fact that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so smoothly doesn't really register with them.

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Getting a handle on caregiver guilt

Guilt has a purpose in life. If we are mean, we should feel guilty. If we owe someone an apology, we should be big enough to do so. But guilt is a complicated emotion. We take on the expectations of our culture, our religion, our family. And then we take on the expectations of our toughest critic – ourselves. That committee that meets in our head tells us we are not doing this caregiving thing well enough. If we were "good" people, we'd just keep answering the phone endlessly until Mom found something else to do.

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New studies reveal knowledge about the path Alzheimer’s disease may follow

Recent news that the path Alzheimer’s disease travels in the brain may finally have been nailed down has created a lot of excitement. Researchers believe this discovery may lead to a new direction in developing a way to prevent or cure the disease. A New York Times article reports on two independent studies, both of which concluded that Alzheimer’s disease seems to spread like a viral or bacterial infection by a “distorted protein known as Tau.” These studies were done on mice.

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Help your kids cope with grandparent's dementia

Children can be frightened by the changes in the grandparent who was once gentle and loving, but could now have become cranky and occasionally downright mean and abusive. How we, as parents, handle the changes in our own parents can affect how well our children handle the changes. But each child is different and each set of circumstances is different. So where to you start when it's time to explain?

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Geriatric care managers boon to distance caregivers

The profession of geriatric care coordinator or manager - they go by various names - is a profession that has evolved out of an obvious need. There are legions of harried caregivers, social workers and nurses have a front row view into what a caregiver's life is like. Some of these professionals came to believe that maybe they could make a profession out of helping these caregivers. These entrepreneurs hung out their shingles and a profession was born.

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What to do if you are worried about the care in a nursing home

...That is something I still regret. I don't regret my vigilance. I do regret not going through proper channels. As it worked out, this man became one of the best aides in the home, and I can't tell you what his care for my mother meant to me after Dad died and I had to handle all of the logistics, plus the emotions, and my mother's upset. 

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Dr. Travis Stork from “The Doctors” talks about heart health, with tips for caregivers

February is Heart Health Month. With this in mind, Dr. Travis Stork, co-host of the award winning talk show The Doctors, generously donated some time for a small conference call that allowed four writers to ask specific questions about heart health. Dr. Stork is a practicing ER doctor and faculty physician in the emergency department at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tenn.

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Celebrating Valentine's Day when loved one can't understand

During their last years, my parents' special days would be considered by some to be a fiasco, if the celebrations were judged by traditional standards. Yet, I'll never regret trying my best to simulate the kind of celebration my parents had always had. Celebrations give life some texture. And if anyone needs something to make one day different than all of the others, it's people who are already coping with the indignities the aging process can bring.

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Trying to prevent falls in elderly a challenge to family caregivers and professionals

I've joked (actually, it's thinly veiled seriousness) with care agency people, and our city leaders, that every city needs one person available day and night to just sit and wait for a call to pick someone up off the floor. Caregivers have a dreadful time with this problem and often they don't know who to call for help.

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Study shows nicotine patch could help some with mild cognitive impairment (MCI)

Smoking is bad for our health. Nothing has changed that often proven fact. Also, nicotine is part of the addictive element in smoking. However, nicotine as administered through a medical patch, rather than a tobacco product, was shown in a recent study to have some benefit for nonsmokers with mild cognitive impairment (MCI). Not everyone with MCI goes on to develop Alzheimer’s disease, but many people do. Therefore, the interest in studying MCI is intense.

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Use compassion with Mom to help her move

Dear Carol: My dad died suddenly about a year ago. Mom is 73 and quite frail for her age. She’s also slipping cognitively. She can’t keep up the house they’ve lived in for decades. She seems afraid to live there alone, so I’d like to see her move to assisted living. She actually wants to make the move, but she seems frozen when it comes to getting rid of anything in the house so she can move. How can I get her going with this project? - Amanda

Dear Amanda:  Your mom has decades of memories attached to the home, most of which likely include your dad. She probably feels she’s leaving a part of him behind if she moves out. At the same time, she’s rightly concerned about living alone. Remind her that Dad would want her to be safe.

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When both parents have dementia

Statistics vary, but upward of thirty percent of caregivers die before those they are caring for. Some of those are adult children, lonely and depressed, isolated and frustrated, often torn by guilt. These caregivers can develop cancer, commit suicide, or have heart problems and other ill health that can likely be traced to the stress of caring for their loved ones.

How do caregivers cope when they have two parents with dementia?:

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UK reporter chronicles dementia awareness course: calls it a “taste of hell”

The saying that we can’t really understand another person’s experience until we’ve “walked in their shoes,” has always felt right to me. Intelligent people can be educated to the brim and be able to give excellent “book” advice. However, it frequently takes someone who has endured an experience similar to ours in order to make us feel thoroughly understood. This is where real "hands on" advice differs from advice in the abstract.

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When an ill parent turns on the charm with the doctor

 A friend of mine took her mother to the doctor because she suspected her mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. My friend sat dumbfounded as her mom charmed the socks off the doctor and seemed as sharp as she was ten years ago. The mother denied any health issues, especially those associated with memory. The doctor, too busy to run tests on someone who seemed "so good for her age," signed off of some prescriptions and sent them off. My friend felt like banging her head against the wall.

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Adjusting to the new normal: when caregiving takes over your life

Most caregivers go into caregiving mode with full hearts and wonderful intentions. They rarely stop to think, "Hmm, this could go on for years. I'd better plan it out. If I move to part-time at work, have more child care and spend mornings caring for my parents' needs, it will be difficult, but possible. If I continue to work full time, I'll have more for retirement, but I can't do it all. I have to plan this out."

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How do we keep our elders safe and still maintain their sense of dignity?

How do we get elders to stop doing "handyman" tasks, doing yard work that should be hired out or even extensive kitchen work? Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If a person has no purpose in life, why go on living? For elders whose bodies – and sometimes minds – seem to betray them more each day, this becomes an issue.

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When your parent repeats "I want to go home"

A tip, here, for people who still have their elder at home, but the elder still asks to "go home." Understand what the person wants and then try the same distraction or relearning technique. Some people go as far as taking the person in the car and driving around the block, then re-entering the house. This can work for awhile, but not likely that long. No matter what you do, you will hear it again: "I want to go home." The point here is that no matter what you do or say, likely you will continue to hear the plea to "go home."

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What can caregiver do when no one comes to visit or call an elder?

Dear Carol: My mom, 93 years old, sent cash Christmas gifts to all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. However, she got few thank you notes and asks why she never hears back from these people.  She also doesn’t have many friends left so there’s no one to fill the void. She has early to mid-stage dementia and gets depressed easily when she does not get visits, phone calls or notes. My siblings do call and some come to visit once or twice a month, but I wish they would do more.

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