Minding Our Elders®

Adult Grandchildren Often Pick Up the Role of Caregiver

Few people who have fulfilled the caregiver role to an elder would say it's an easy job. However, most caregivers are either adult children who have at least matured into their 40s or 50s, or else they are mature spouses of the ill person. These caregivers have a few decades of living behind them and hopefully have been able to enjoy some young years where their responsibilities, at the most, were to take care of themselves, a spouse and their children.

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Siblings Disagree About Mom Seeking Dementia Evaluation

Dear Carol: My sister Jean has wanted our mom to see a doctor about memory issues for months but Mom says she’s fine. Jean lives out of town, so she set aside a day to come into town and take Mom to lunch and get Mom’s hair cut. Then, Jean sprung a doctor appointment on Mom and, not surprisingly, Mom refused to go. She and Jean had a fight. I took Mom’s side which probably didn’t help matters. Mom already sees her doctor for osteoporosis and severe arthritis, but she won’t take memory tests even though her memory is slipping a lot. She also has some confusion.

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Is It Wise To Quit a Job to Be a Caregiver?

You already know what may be gained by giving up employment and becoming the sole caregiver for your parents. You are the hands-on person and know their care intimately. You know how they are doing day and night and you hope they will appreciate your help. They raised you and you want to give back.

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Choosing a Care Facility? Listen To Your Gut

People often ask what to look for when choosing an assisted living facility or a nursing home for a loved one. There are grading sites such as the Medicare Nursing Home Guide, found on Medicare.gov, and I suggest you use them. However, there are many things that go into good care that can’t be measured on a chart. In order to see the heart of a facility, you need to spend some time there. Observe routines and pay attention to the atmosphere. What is your gut feeling about the place?

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How Involved Should Family Be In Your Elder's Senior Living?

Husband Won't Accept Wife's Help Caring for His Mom

Choosing Senior Housing for Your Parent

Have you ever entered someone's home and felt good things about it even if it's cluttered or decorated in a way you find tacky? We find that a home can have an aura of happiness or lightness about it and we feel comfortable. Conversely, other homes feel as if the air is heavy and burdensome.

Read about how to go about choosing senior housing:

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Should Siblings Split the Cost of Parent Care?

...So, who helps with the cost? Many people think Medicare will help with these costs. Medicare does not generally pay for assisted living, though some states have programs where seniors who qualify can choose how to spend the money allotted to them through some hybrid programs involving Medicare.

Read more about how siblings may share the cost of assisted living for their parents:

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How Involved Should Family Be In Your Elder's Senior Living?

...The nursing home staff would occasionally confide in me about families who "took over" the nursing home. The families came on like they owned the facility and their loved one was the only person who mattered. They cornered every staff member they could find and talked to them either with the attitude of a good neighbor who had all the time in the world, or as an adversary who needed constant monitoring. Neither attitude is good.

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Caregiver's Often Use Humor to Survive

...Though we may be emotionally shredded by the changes in our loved ones' physical and often mental health, we soldier on daily trying to help them maintain some quality in their lives. This can drain us of energy and devour our time to where we have little left to give to our friends, so those who don't understand the challenges caregivers face often drift away.

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Humor Provides Armor Against Caregivers' Deepest Sorrows

Individual Attention May Be Important Benefit of Alzheimer’s Eating Study

It’s natural for caregivers to worry if their loved one is getting sufficient nourishment. People with dementia are often a challenge because they forget to eat, or they may have problems remembering how to transfer food from the plate to their mouths. Some people have trouble chewing and swallowing, especially during later stages of dementia. 

Read mores individual attention helping people with Alzheimer's eat:

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Elders, Love and Sex: What Are Their Rights?

...Then there's your grandparents. Yeah, your grandparents. Most of us have seen stories where a couple of elders are getting married at the local nursing home. He's 78 and she's 86. We vacillate between thinking "cute" and "what are their families thinking, allowing this?" We wonder if they are clear enough, mentally, to be getting married.

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When a Loved One Can't Understand Valentine's Day

Flowers and cards were a big deal to my parents, especially on Valentine's Day and their anniversary. Sadly, after dad's failed brain surgery threw him into dementia it was obvious that Dad would no longer be able to actively participate.

I knew Dad, if he could make that decision, would want to give Mom flowers and a card. I knew Mom would want to do the same for him. The only problem was, neither of them was capable of choosing a card or arranging for flowers to be delivered. And Dad couldn't even understand what the celebration was about. How do we celebrate special occasions when one or more of the people involved can't participate? Do we follow through, or do we pretend the special day doesn't exist?

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Downsizing for a Move to Assisted Living

My parents had moved from a fairly large family home to a smaller house, and eventually to an apartment, before my mom and I looked at assisted living facilities for her. By then, Dad was in a nursing home. Those gradual moves forced my parents to part with furniture and other collected belongings, yet there was still a lot to jettison when the need for a final move became apparent. My heart goes out to elders and their families when they are leaving a house that has been home for decades to move into a small assisted living room. How can you help your parent or parents through this downsizing.

Read about how to help your elders downsize for senior living:

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Making Assisted Living Feel Like Home

...Start by understanding that while your parent or parents move to assisted living may seem very positive to you since you see the fresh start, the handy, nutritious meals and the social activities as positive motivations, this move represents significant loss for your parents. Even if they are leaving an older, deteriorating home for a sparkling new assisted living facility, they are leaving behind a good deal of their past.

Read on about making assisted living feel like a home:

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Dear Carol: My mother has lived in a very nice assisted living facility for several years, though she’s been quite independent.  It’s a 300 mile drive for me to visit her, so I can only visit occasionally. I have a sister who lives within 25 miles and visits once a week. Mom seems to enjoy her friends and this facility is home to her. However, my sister says that now Mom really should have help bathing and someone should monitor her medications. Even dressing is getting to be a chore because of severe arthritis. The problem is that the facility wants to charge more to provide these services. I thought this kind of care is what assisted living is about. - Greg

Dear Greg: The terms that describe senior living situations change with the times and can be quite different depending on where people live. In some parts of the country, your mom’s current living situation would be considered independent living, with her increasing needs requiring that she transition to assisted living. The monthly fee increases with the added care services.

Read more about assisted living and what services are covered:

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Help Elders Endure Isolation Due to Flu Outbreak

DEAR CAROL: My mother is in a nursing home because of mid-stage Alzheimer’s disease and severe arthritis. While I live at a distance, my sister, Marie, lives near mom and visits several times a week. Now, with this flu outbreak, the nursing home where my mother lives has isolated residents and is not allowing visitors. Marie says Mom is very upset. Mom understands when Marie tells her on the phone why she can’t visit, but then Mom quickly forgets and calls wondering why my Marie’s not there. What can we do to make Mom feel better? - Gale

DEAR GALE: Because most long-term facilities encourage flu shots for their residents, the typical flu season generally passes without a lot of problems. However, once in a while we have a very bad year. Since it’s the responsibility of the facilities to protect their residents, even at the cost of some emotional distress like that of your Mom, visitors aren’t allowed for a time. This is one of those years.

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Administration on Aging programs provide assistance for caregivers nationwide

Nearly any family caregiver has felt isolated and alone at one time or another. For many, that feeling is chronic. Friends don’t understand the strain we are under. Some people get no support from their extended family or friends. Where can we turn when there seems to be nowhere to turn? Believe it or not, many resources are at your fingertips on the Administration on Aging website.

Read about the valuable resources on the AoA website:

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Caregiving Rewards Can Outlast Challenges

Caregivers of elderly or disabled loved ones work hard. There’s no getting around the sacrifices of time, energy, private life and often financial wellbeing that caregivers, be it family or professional, often make. However, the rewards that accompany this self-sacrifice can be priceless.

With a caregiving history involving decades of caring for multiple loved ones, I know quite a bit about the hard times as well as the blessings of caregiving. Yet, because I’m an eldercare columnist, I receive letters from individuals who have caregiving responsibilities far beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. Many people are providing intensive care for adult children, others for parents or spouses.

Read more about the struggles and rewards of caregiving:

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Mapping Out Dad’s Future Care

Dear Carol: My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He’s considered Stage 2, according to the doctor, which is apparently quite early. Yet, I see many challenges now and of course many more in the future. How do we approach this?  - Jon   

Dear Jon: Alzheimer’s professionals have designated stages to describe where a person is in the course of the disease. Labels tend to give people a feeling of control, and Alzheimer’s does have a trajectory that is somewhat predictable. However, each person with the disease travels the path at his or her own rate. You are smart to start working with your dad now to map out a plan. Just remember to stay flexible within the plan and help your dad understand the need for this flexibility. People often go back and forth between stages, having more clarity one day and less another.

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How Do Families Pay for Assisted Living?

The reality is that when it comes to assisted living, most families pay their own way. If the adult children have the resources, many times they will help out if their parents don't have enough income. This, of course, can cause issues within the extended family context, especially if some siblings are wealthier than others. How do families decide whether or not the children financially contribute to their parents' care, and if they do, who pays how much?

Read more about paying for assisted living:

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