Minding Our Elders®

Husband Won’t Accept Wife’s Help Caring for His Mom

Dear Carol: After my mother-in-law had a stroke, she developed mild dementia. My husband and I were able to take care of her needs until recently, but because of her deteriorating health she has been admitted to a facility near our home. She is really very content. This should be a cause to celebrate, but since her admission my husband has become overwhelmed and stubborn.  He neglects the paperwork that he needs to do for his mother’s care until it piles up and we get phone calls that could threaten her stay at the nursing home. I’ve repeatedly told him that I’ll help with the paperwork, but he won’t allow me to touch it.

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“My New Granny” Helpful for Children Affected by Grandparent’s Alzheimer’s

Alzheimer’s is a family disease. Not only does it affect the person with the diagnosis, it affects the spouse, adult children and even the grandchildren. My dad didn’t have Alzheimer’s, but he developed a severe post-surgical dementia, so I’ve got first-hand knowledge about how traumatic it is for grandchildren to witness their grandparent’s cognitive decline.

Well executed children’s books are one way to help. I reviewed Still My Grandma and What's Happening to Grandpa? a couple of years ago. Both are informative, comforting books that can help young children understand that their grandparent is still their grandparent even though he or she has changed. They also let the child know that he or she isn’t alone.

Read more about My New Granny: Children's book about Alzheimer's:

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Caring for An Elder's Hair Kindly

I'll tell you up front that I'm not good with hair. For the most part, I'm a minimalist. Alice had perms, but her hair still needed washing and a daily curling to arrange it nicely. Over time, and with lots of humor thrown in, I did learn a few things.

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Kids Want Dad to Hire Help for Mom

Dear Carol: My mother is in the middle stage of Alzheimer’s. Dad is her primary caregiver and it’s wearing him out. He can’t sleep because she doesn’t sleep. He’s worried about her wandering even though the house is secure. My siblings and I try to help, but we are all out of town and have jobs and families. Dad refuses to consider putting Mom in assisted living, yet he can’t continue life as he’s living it, either. We’re all worried sick that he’ll have a stroke or something while he’s trying to provide all of Mom’s care. How do we convince him to do things differently? – Tom

Dear Tom: Your parents vowed to care for each other until “death do us part.” Sometimes, people get so caught up in caregiving they feel that providing all of the spousal care personally is the only way to honor their vow. This is unfortunate, because in many of these situations, if the well spouse hires help to reduce the intense strain of constant caregiving, he or she can actually provide more relaxed, soothing emotional care for the loved one,

Read more about getting Dad to hire help for Mom:

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Elders Vulnerable to Abuse in Domestic Situations

Keeping Your Sanity While Caregiving During the Holidays

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Finding a New Life After Caregiving Ends

Thanksgiving: Finding Gratitude in Caregiving

Caring for our aging loved ones can be exhausting, frustrating, demanding and time consuming. Since November marks National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, we’re honoring Alzheimer’s caregivers, but November is also National Caregiver’s Month. Thanksgiving, as another November holiday, reminds me to think of ways that caregiving, tough as it can be, also offers caregivers a time to note the special blessings we’ve received when we are open to recognizing the gifts. After all, caring for one another is, in my view, one of the answers to “why are we here.

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Humor Essential Therapy Even With Alzheimer’s

Dear Carol: My grandfather has Alzheimer’s disease, so my mom shows me your column a lot. I love Gramps and would never want to hurt him, but sometimes he says and does things that are funny, even though he can’t help it. Also, when I help him sometimes things go wrong, but it ends up being funny because no one gets hurt.  I’m never disrespectful to him, but if I tell friends about something he did like when he told my aunt to her face that she was too fat, my mom gets mad. She says I shouldn’t laugh at him. I’m not really laughing at Gramps. I’m just telling a friend about a funny situation. Is this disrespectful? – Jody

Dear Jody: We all need humor, particularly during hard times. You aren’t laughing at your grandfather, you are laughing at the way his disease makes him blurt out words that otherwise would be filtered or behave in ways that can be amusing. It’s a matter of being clear to your friend that you’re laughing at the situation, not at your grandfather.

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Helping Your Elders Feel Special During the Holidays - Anywhere

Our heart's desire is to provide a way for our aging parents to enjoy the holidays, but their circumstances can make that challenging. First and foremost, however, remember that it's your presence that is the most important thing. That, and helping your parents to feel included in whatever way they can participate.

Read about how to make holidays special for your elders no matter where they live:

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Finding the Right Senior Housing for Your Loved One

Everyone has their own personal checklist for finding good housing for their elderly parent. We want them safe, well cared for and happy. Happy depends a great deal on the individual, but safe and well cared for should be part of the bargain. So, what do you look for when you tour a center?

Finding the right housing for your loved one's care needs:

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Know Your Hospitalization Codes or Risk Medicare Denial

Your mom has fallen in her home and you’re now sitting with her in the hospital. Nothing is broken, they said, but she suffered a back injury they want to monitor. They’d like to keep her in the hospital for observation. You say sure, why not? She stays several days and then is released to a rehab facility for follow-up care.Medicare pays for the first 20 days a patient is in a rehab facility only if the patient is admitted and remains in the hospital for three days prior to treatment. But, according to AAPR, hospitals are increasingly leaving Medicare hospital patients “under observation” without officially admitting them.

Read more about the Medicare "observation trap":

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Easing Loneliness in Elders around the Holidays

Elders can have an especially hard time with the holiday season. While aging and maturity can bring the wisdom of years for many people, there are inevitable losses that come to even the most healthy individuals. Many of these losses are emotional and social in nature. Spouses become ill or die. Other aging relatives and friends become seriously ill, or die. Neighborhoods change, often leaving even those well enough to remain in their own homes feeling friendless and isolated. The holidays can bring this isolation and a feeling of loneliness to a head.

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When Visiting a Loved One In Senior Housing Notice Vibes

Have you ever entered someone's home and felt good things about it even if it's cluttered or decorated in a way you find tacky? Most of us have done so. We find that a home can have an aura of happiness or lightness about it and we feel comfortable. Conversely, have you walked into a different home, yet felt the air was heavy and burdensome? Perhaps unhappiness or even abuse has affected the very walls of the home. Anyway, there's often something in a home's atmosphere that can affect us even before we really know the occupants.

Read more about what to look for when visiting elders in senior housing:

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Keeping Your Sanity While Caregiving During the Holidays

...Prior to your dad's stroke and your mom's dementia, the busy season described above would be a "normal" Christmas for you and your family – rushed but still mostly pleasant. You still would have had the emotional reserves to enjoy the cuteness of your son's solo in his program, and the humor and time to write individual notes in your cards to friends.

Read about ways to stay sane when caregiving during the holidays:

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Recently Widowed Mother Shows Signs of Dementia

Dear Carol: How do you gently begin to supervise a parent’s health? Our mother is widowed now and 74-years-old. She took care of our dad who had dementia and she seemed to do okay for awhile after he died. But now she frequently forgets her medications doubles them up, which she has admitted, and she frequently mixes up names and places. My nephew lives with her and he’s had to take her to the emergency room a few times because of kitchen accidents and one bad fall. We don’t want to be hasty in taking over her health care, but we are afraid for her. She insists she doesn’t need to have a checkup for cognitive issues. -  Joanne

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National Alzheimer’s Awareness and National Caregivers Month Natural Partners

November is both National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month and National Family Caregivers Month. To me, celebrating family caregivers and dementia awareness together is appropriate.Providing care to any vulnerable individual can bring untold rewards, especially when the care receiver is someone we love. Long-term caregiving can be physically and mentally exhausting, and frequently frustrating, as well.

Read more about family caregivers and National Alzheimer's Awareness Month:

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When Your Elder Fools the Doctor

...My mom was a supreme example. She fell in her apartment—often more than once a week. She had memory problems. She was taken advantage of by telemarketers. She had digestive issues. However, when I took her to her doctor, what I called her "hostess personality" took over. While she may have complained of pain in the car during our drive, the minute she had a chance to tell her doctor how terrible she felt she was perkiness personified.

Read more about helping the doctor help your parent:

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Was Nursing Home Placement a Mistake?

...When my dad first needed nursing home care, I was worried about every little detail of his care. He was so very vulnerable. Even though, because my uncle was a resident of the same home I knew the staff well, fear that Dad would suffer from not having every attention I could give him gripped me for the first weeks. Eventually, I had to learn to detach a little. I knew it was painful and impractical for me to be so wrapped up in each detail of his life. The facility was excellent. Dad was as okay as he could be. He had daily attention from multiple family members. What more could I do?

Read more about the adjustment to nursing home placement - on both sides:

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Finding a New Life After Caregiving Ends

Many of us start our caregiving career by assisting an elder in his or her home, or we have a spouse who declines and we become the default caregiver in our own home. This care expands to a point where we need some type of respite, often in the form of in-home care agency help. Eventually, the move to assisted living or even a nursing home may become necessary for everyone's health and wellbeing. Whatever happens, we remain caregivers. Many of us continue to see our care receiver daily. Most of us continue to be involved as advocates and support throughout the time of need. When our loving attention and care is no longer needed, we can, indeed, feel lost.

Read more about rebuilding your life after the death of a care receiver:

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We're Caregivers Now: What Happened To Our Friends?

We needn't have our loved ones living with us to find our friends have floated off into the ether. None of my elders lived in my home with me but my friends knew how busy I was with all of my elders' care needs. Friends and colleagues would ask me how I was doing and I'd give them a short report, knowing that they really didn't want to know the lengthy details. They were basically being polite.

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Dementia and the Holidays: A Challenging Combination

It’s not news that most of us are busy, even stressed, during the holiday season. However, when we are caregivers our stress level can soar. Being flexible and forgiving may be the key to getting through the season with some sanity intact.

Flexibility is important because our loved one, especially if he or she has dementia, will likely be unpredictable. What we planned with great care could suddenly be the wrong approach when the special day arrives and we’ll need to adjust to reality.

Read more about enjoying the holiday while caring for someone with dementia:

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Caregiving Works Best As a Team Effort

...Joe had taken off on one of his impulsive walks to an old downtown tavern without considering the lack of sure footing. On a good day, with dry cement under his feet, Joe shuffled with an occasional sideways wobble. Put ice and snow underfoot and his walk was an invitation for disaster. Miraculously, Joe was cold but unharmed, except that he couldn't get back on his feet. Julie helped him up and took him home, then came looking for me, since she knew I was his primary caregiver.

Read more about making caregiving a team effort:

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