Minding Our Elders®

How do we address Valentine’s Day for a surviving parent?

Dear Carol: My father died a month ago and I’m worried about how to handle Valentine’s Day for my mother. My parents had a good marriage and had always made Valentine’s Day special for each other. I’ve thought about just ignoring it, and sometimes I think Mom would prefer that. However, other times I think that maybe we should do something to honor Dad’s memory and their marriage. How do people handle these times? – Jennifer

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When siblings don't agree on parent care

Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became a default caregiver can start to feel resentful. The out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial. They aren't around to see how much help is needed. They see Mom and Dad occasionally, talk to them on the phone, and all seems well. The fact that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so smoothly doesn't really register with them.

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Use compassion with Mom to help her move

Dear Carol: My dad died suddenly about a year ago. Mom is 73 and quite frail for her age. She’s also slipping cognitively. She can’t keep up the house they’ve lived in for decades. She seems afraid to live there alone, so I’d like to see her move to assisted living. She actually wants to make the move, but she seems frozen when it comes to getting rid of anything in the house so she can move. How can I get her going with this project? - Amanda

Dear Amanda:  Your mom has decades of memories attached to the home, most of which likely include your dad. She probably feels she’s leaving a part of him behind if she moves out. At the same time, she’s rightly concerned about living alone. Remind her that Dad would want her to be safe.

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UK reporter chronicles dementia awareness course: calls it a “taste of hell”

The saying that we can’t really understand another person’s experience until we’ve “walked in their shoes,” has always felt right to me. Intelligent people can be educated to the brim and be able to give excellent “book” advice. However, it frequently takes someone who has endured an experience similar to ours in order to make us feel thoroughly understood. This is where real "hands on" advice differs from advice in the abstract.

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How do we keep our elders safe and still maintain their sense of dignity?

How do we get elders to stop doing "handyman" tasks, doing yard work that should be hired out or even extensive kitchen work? Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If a person has no purpose in life, why go on living? For elders whose bodies – and sometimes minds – seem to betray them more each day, this becomes an issue.

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What can caregiver do when no one comes to visit or call an elder?

Dear Carol: My mom, 93 years old, sent cash Christmas gifts to all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. However, she got few thank you notes and asks why she never hears back from these people.  She also doesn’t have many friends left so there’s no one to fill the void. She has early to mid-stage dementia and gets depressed easily when she does not get visits, phone calls or notes. My siblings do call and some come to visit once or twice a month, but I wish they would do more.

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Vision and hearing checkups tough for people with dementia

You are helped into a chair and the doctor covers one of your eyes and asks what letters you see. What is a letter, you think, and why is he covering my face? You start to squirm and then push him away. You get more confused and frightened because you don't know what they want with you.

Read more about helping your loved on through vison and hearing checkups - or whether to have them done:

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Reminiscing a powerful “drug” for people with dementia

I love stories. When I was a teenager, I’d encourage grandparents to relate stories of their young years struggling to survive on the wind-swept prairie. When I grew older, I was fascinated by the stories my parents and in-laws told of their early years of growing up during the Great Depression. Little did I know at the time that peoples’ stories would become the springboard for my life’s work. Now there is mounting evidence that encouraging our elders to reminisce about their past is therapeutic as well as enjoyable.

Read more about how reminscing can perk up the mood and brain for our aging loved ones:

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Alzheimer’s Foundation of America stands up against antipsychotic use for people with Alzheimer’s

We’ve addressed the inappropriate use of antipsychotic drugs for dementia patients a number of times on these pages. In one article, I wrote about my dad’s terrifying experience after he was given one of those antipsychotic drugs after failed brain surgery, and my fight to get him off the drug.

Read more about standing before Congress to fight against non-essential use of antipsychotics:

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The emotional side of moving mom and dad

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. Our home is our castle - a shelter from the storm. These old saws and many more indicate how most of us emotionally view our home.  For most of us, the feeling is less about how large or how fancy a home is than about it being a place where we belong. Many of us, after getting out of the house we were so anxious to leave as young adults, still find ourselves lovingly attached to the humble dwelling of our childhood.

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How to talk about end-of-life issues

Sex and death. It’s odd that those two topics should bring so much anxiety to parents and children. But, there you have it. One – sex – is about the beginning of life. The other – death – is about the end. Both are a part of the life cycle but if anything sex is easier for many to discuss than death. 

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Elders, Alzheimer’s and the holidays

Most caregivers want to give their loved ones the very best holiday possible. We tell ourselves that whether or not the care receiver can actively participate in the festivities, they should be included in the fun. I've seen wonderful events in private homes, assisted livings center and nursing homes, where delighted elders help caregivers decorate trees, wrap gifts, bake and do many other traditional tasks in preparation for celebrations.

However, we must be aware that elders, with or without dementia, may tire more easily than we realize. What starts out as a fun project can soon turn into a chore for them. If the person has Alzheimer's or another type of dementia, what you intended to be a joyful celebration can in reality be a frustrating and confusion to the elder.

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Alzheimer's and poor hygiene: a caregiver's dilemma

An often asked question from adult children and caregiving spouses is "how can I get my parents, or spouse, to bathe and change clothes?" I hear this question so much that one thing is certain - you aren't alone in your dilemma. There are several things to look at with hygiene problems, some of which have to do with the caregiver's expectations.

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The toughest part of writing a living will is getting started: where to begin?

Many people are given a living will form when they see their doctors. Clinics and hospitals are beginning to recognize the importance of people writing down their feelings about the kind of care they would want should be rendered incapable of making those decisions themselves. Making your wishes known is the purpose of a living will. However, many people don't know where to start.

Read more about how to get started on a living will:

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Helping elders remain part of family functions

Caregivers are often torn between wanting their parent, who may live in assisted living, a nursing home or even at home alone, to be a part of family functions, and wondering how they can pull it off. Whether the event is a family wedding or a Christmas celebration, they often think "Grandma would love this." And then? How do we combine taking care of Grandma and attending or creating the function itself? How do we pay attention to the bride and groom, if Grandma needs all of our care? Enter in-home caregivers.

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Study shows “humor therapy” more effective than drugs for some people with Alzheimer’s

While decades ago Norman Cousins made a case for laughter being the best medicine, there hasn't been a lot of research published on how humor can affect a person with Alzheimer's disease. A recent article on the National Institutes of Health site Medlineplus brings us the welcome news that using humor to interact with our elders may improve their health.

Read more about how humor can help people with Alzheimer's and also other aging parents:

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You can help reduce loneliness of elders during the holidays

Elders can have an especially hard time with the holiday season. While aging and maturity can bring the wisdom of years for many people, there are inevitable losses that come to even the most healthy individuals. Many of these losses are emotional and social in nature. Spouses become ill or die. Other aging relatives and friends become seriously ill, or die. Neighborhoods change, often leaving even those well enough to remain in their own homes feeling friendless and isolated. The holidays can bring this isolation and a feeling of loneliness to a head.

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Thanksgiving: finding gratitude in caregiving

 Caring for our aging loved ones can be exhausting, frustrating, demanding and time consuming. Since November marks National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, we’re honoring Alzheimer’s caregivers, but November is also National Caregiver’s Month. Thanksgiving, as another November, holiday reminds me to think of ways that caregiving, tough as it can be, also offers caregivers a time to note the special blessings we’ve received when we are open to recognizing the gifts. After all, caring for one another is, in my view, one of the answers to “why are we here.”

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Making holidays special for your elders in any environment

Our heart's desire is to provide a way for our aging parents to enjoy the holidays, but their circumstances can make that challenging. First and foremost, however, remember that it's your presence that is the most important thing. That, and helping your parents to feel included in whatever way they can participate.

Read more about making the holidays special for your loved ones no matter where they live:

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Is it time to take away your elder’s car keys? Alzheimer's Association can help

One of the toughest battles many caregivers face is convincing their elders to quit driving when it’s no longer safe for them to do so. Even after family members realize their elders should no longer be behind the wheel, they often are at a loss as to how to approach their elder about driving cessation. Adult children and spouses of those with dementia know their loved one depends on driving as evidence–both symbolic and practical–of independence. Who wants to take that privilege away from anyone?

Read more about Alzheimer's Association videos that can help you with your conversation:

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