Minding Our Elders®

How do we address Valentine’s Day for a surviving parent?

Dear Carol: My father died a month ago and I’m worried about how to handle Valentine’s Day for my mother. My parents had a good marriage and had always made Valentine’s Day special for each other. I’ve thought about just ignoring it, and sometimes I think Mom would prefer that. However, other times I think that maybe we should do something to honor Dad’s memory and their marriage. How do people handle these times? – Jennifer

Read more about helping your elders through Valentine's Day:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

When siblings don't agree on parent care

Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became a default caregiver can start to feel resentful. The out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial. They aren't around to see how much help is needed. They see Mom and Dad occasionally, talk to them on the phone, and all seems well. The fact that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so smoothly doesn't really register with them.

Read more about siblings and how to settle disagreements:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

Help your kids cope with grandparent's dementia

Children can be frightened by the changes in the grandparent who was once gentle and loving, but could now have become cranky and occasionally downright mean and abusive. How we, as parents, handle the changes in our own parents can affect how well our children handle the changes. But each child is different and each set of circumstances is different. So where to you start when it's time to explain?

Read more about helping kids understand grandparents' dementia:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

Wife struggles to care for husband with early on-set Alzheimer’s

Dear Carol: My husband developed Alzheimer’s disease at 46. I’ve cared for him on my own for three years, while also running the business we started years ago. I can’t leave my husband at home for long so I frequently have to leave work to check on him. This is affecting my ability to do my work well. I’ve tried hiring in-home care and that helped, but I still worry if they will show up, or if someone is late in the morning, then I will be late to my business. I also don’t feel he gets much mental stimulation at home. I’m exhausted when I do get home, since I need to get up very early to take care of his needs, and when I get home he needs more care. I love my husband dearly and don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on him, but I can’t continue this way, either. What are my options?  - Emma

Read more about caring for a spouse with early on-set Alzheimer's:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

What to do if you are worried about the care in a nursing home

...That is something I still regret. I don't regret my vigilance. I do regret not going through proper channels. As it worked out, this man became one of the best aides in the home, and I can't tell you what his care for my mother meant to me after Dad died and I had to handle all of the logistics, plus the emotions, and my mother's upset. 

Read full article about handling questions of nursing home treatment:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

Celebrating Valentine's Day when loved one can't understand

During their last years, my parents' special days would be considered by some to be a fiasco, if the celebrations were judged by traditional standards. Yet, I'll never regret trying my best to simulate the kind of celebration my parents had always had. Celebrations give life some texture. And if anyone needs something to make one day different than all of the others, it's people who are already coping with the indignities the aging process can bring.

Read more about helping your elders with Valentine's Day:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

Trying to prevent falls in elderly a challenge to family caregivers and professionals

I've joked (actually, it's thinly veiled seriousness) with care agency people, and our city leaders, that every city needs one person available day and night to just sit and wait for a call to pick someone up off the floor. Caregivers have a dreadful time with this problem and often they don't know who to call for help.

Read more about fall prevention in elders:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

Use compassion with Mom to help her move

Dear Carol: My dad died suddenly about a year ago. Mom is 73 and quite frail for her age. She’s also slipping cognitively. She can’t keep up the house they’ve lived in for decades. She seems afraid to live there alone, so I’d like to see her move to assisted living. She actually wants to make the move, but she seems frozen when it comes to getting rid of anything in the house so she can move. How can I get her going with this project? - Amanda

Dear Amanda:  Your mom has decades of memories attached to the home, most of which likely include your dad. She probably feels she’s leaving a part of him behind if she moves out. At the same time, she’s rightly concerned about living alone. Remind her that Dad would want her to be safe.

Read more about helping Mom make the move to assisted living:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

 

Adjusting to the new normal: when caregiving takes over your life

Most caregivers go into caregiving mode with full hearts and wonderful intentions. They rarely stop to think, "Hmm, this could go on for years. I'd better plan it out. If I move to part-time at work, have more child care and spend mornings caring for my parents' needs, it will be difficult, but possible. If I continue to work full time, I'll have more for retirement, but I can't do it all. I have to plan this out."

 Read more about adjusting to a new normal after caregiving changes your life:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: 

 

How do we keep our elders safe and still maintain their sense of dignity?

How do we get elders to stop doing "handyman" tasks, doing yard work that should be hired out or even extensive kitchen work? Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If a person has no purpose in life, why go on living? For elders whose bodies – and sometimes minds – seem to betray them more each day, this becomes an issue.

Read more about keeping our elders safe while preserving their dignity:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

 

What can caregiver do when no one comes to visit or call an elder?

Dear Carol: My mom, 93 years old, sent cash Christmas gifts to all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. However, she got few thank you notes and asks why she never hears back from these people.  She also doesn’t have many friends left so there’s no one to fill the void. She has early to mid-stage dementia and gets depressed easily when she does not get visits, phone calls or notes. My siblings do call and some come to visit once or twice a month, but I wish they would do more.

Read more about how to encourage more family involvement with an elder:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Vision and hearing checkups tough for people with dementia

You are helped into a chair and the doctor covers one of your eyes and asks what letters you see. What is a letter, you think, and why is he covering my face? You start to squirm and then push him away. You get more confused and frightened because you don't know what they want with you.

Read more about helping your loved on through vison and hearing checkups - or whether to have them done:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Reminiscing a powerful “drug” for people with dementia

I love stories. When I was a teenager, I’d encourage grandparents to relate stories of their young years struggling to survive on the wind-swept prairie. When I grew older, I was fascinated by the stories my parents and in-laws told of their early years of growing up during the Great Depression. Little did I know at the time that peoples’ stories would become the springboard for my life’s work. Now there is mounting evidence that encouraging our elders to reminisce about their past is therapeutic as well as enjoyable.

Read more about how reminscing can perk up the mood and brain for our aging loved ones:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

When we can no longer carry the caregiving responsibilities alone

...outside care eventually becomes a necessity for many. When we are talking about elder care, often people jump immediately to the "nursing home" solution, since in days past, that was pretty much the only choice people had once someone couldn't stay at home, or with family. Things have changed now, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

Read more about when the time comes for outside help:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

 

How to prepare when a parent or grandparent comes to live with you

These days, having grandma move in with the family is still an option for some families, but it has become more complicated. First of all, there are fewer families with a stay-at-home adult in the home. This is where a great deal depends on Grandma's health. I know of one family where the dad is single. He has custody of his two young sons most of the time, and his mother has moved in. For the most part, Grandma is actually a help with the boys. Yes, she has her issues, and there has been some adjusting on all sides. But with Dad's odd hours and Grandma still fairly capable, it's a situation that works well for all.

Read more about preparing for a live-in parent:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Handling the pain when your loved one no longer recognizes you

I recall asking one of the nurses at the nursing home if my mother-in-law knew who I was. I was aware she couldn't have told anyone my name or my exact purpose in her life. That much was evident. However, I wondered if she knew that I was there to see her. The nurse assured me that my mother-in-law's seeing me step off the elevator as she sat in the common room was a highlight of her day. I was glad of that. I felt my visiting her was important no matter what she "knew," but it was nice to hear those words from the nurse just the same.

Read more about when a loved one no longer recognizes you:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Time management for caregivers

For me, the need to be prepared for anything is mandatory. During my heaviest caregiving years, I cared for two children, one with multiple health problems, plus multiple elders. During their last years, several of my elders lived in a nearby nursing home, while I worked full time, so that care was a blessing. I could visit daily, but still know they were cared for while I worked at my "real world" job.

Read more about managing time when caring for aging parents:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Why distance siblings are often in denial about parents' health

What the distance sibling doesn't see is the intense decline of the parent once the visit is over. The elder sinks back into reality. Often, they've forgotten the visitor even came. That happened after my brother and his wife visited us when our mom was getting very ill. She had looked forward to the visit for weeks.

Read about sibling denial and problems with relating real issues to distance siblings:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

Alzheimer’s Foundation of America stands up against antipsychotic use for people with Alzheimer’s

We’ve addressed the inappropriate use of antipsychotic drugs for dementia patients a number of times on these pages. In one article, I wrote about my dad’s terrifying experience after he was given one of those antipsychotic drugs after failed brain surgery, and my fight to get him off the drug.

Read more about standing before Congress to fight against non-essential use of antipsychotics:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol:

10 thoughts caregivers aren't proud of

Caregivers often run from person to person, job to care receiver, home to nursing home, never really having time to do something that they want to do – just for themselves.  If this describes your life,

Read about those thoughts most caregivers have even if they don't tell people:

Find care agencies to help you care for your loved ones:

Support a caregiver or jump start discussion in support groups with real stories - for bulk orders e-mail Carol: