Few people who have fulfilled the caregiver role to an elder would say
it's an easy job. However, most caregivers are either adult children who
have at least matured into their 40s or 50s, or else they are mature
spouses of the ill person. These caregivers have a few decades of living
behind them and hopefully have been able to enjoy some young years
where their responsibilities, at the most, were to take care of
themselves, a spouse and their children.
Children can be frightened by the changes in the grandparent who was
once gentle and loving, but could now have become cranky and
occasionally downright mean and abusive. How we, as parents, handle the
changes in our own parents can affect how well our children handle the
changes. But each child is different and each set of circumstances is
different. So where to you start when it's time to explain?
...Caregivers can get drawn into their own version of the "mommy wars" if
they start to compare time spent in the presence of the care receiver to
quality of care. We need to be careful to avoid nit picking and support
each other as caregivers no matter what the differences in our
situations may be.
Many people are reluctant to visit elders, whether they are in their
homes or a facility, mainly because they wonder what they’ll talk about.
While this reluctance is more of a worry if the elder has memory
problems from dementia, it’s often a problem even when memory isn’t an
issue.Since elders by definition have many decades of life to their credit,
they will likely enjoy looking back on the past. This is especially
important when people have Alzheimer’s disease, because their disease
prevents them from forming new memories. Nearly everyone enjoys
reminiscing to some degree.
Every
person who becomes a caregiver will have unique personality traits, yet we
nearly always share certain feelings and experiences as we travel a road
similar to one another. That’s one reason that caregivers often turn to other
caregivers for support. It’s a version of the adage that we need to walk in
another’s shoes in order to truly understand what they feel. One of those shared experiences is a certain
amount of stress.
...Then there's your grandparents. Yeah, your grandparents. Most of us have
seen stories where a couple of elders are getting married at the local nursing home.
He's 78 and she's 86. We vacillate between thinking "cute" and "what
are their families thinking, allowing this?" We wonder if they are clear
enough, mentally, to be getting married.
I love stories. When I was a teenager, I’d encourage grandparents to relate stories of their young years struggling to survive on the wind-swept prairie. When I grew older, I was fascinated by the stories my parents and in-laws told of their early years of growing up during the Great Depression. Little did I know at the time that peoples’ stories would become the springboard for my life’s work. Now there is mounting evidence that encouraging our elders to reminisce about their past is therapeutic as well as enjoyable.
Dear Carol: My
mother has lived in a very nice assisted living facility for several years,
though she’s been quite independent. It’s a 300 mile drive for me to visit her, so
I can only visit occasionally. I have a sister who lives within 25 miles and
visits once a week. Mom seems to enjoy her friends and this facility is home to
her. However, my sister says that now Mom really should have help bathing and
someone should monitor her medications. Even dressing is getting to be a chore
because of severe arthritis. The problem is that the facility wants to charge more
to provide these services. I thought this kind of care is what assisted living
is about. - Greg
Dear Greg: The
terms that describe senior living situations change with the times and can be
quite different depending on where people live. In some parts of the country, your
mom’s current living situation would be considered independent living, with her
increasing needs requiring that she transition to assisted living. The monthly
fee increases with the added care services.
...Naturally these decisions aren't only made because of economics. Most of
us have at least a little of the "we take care of our own" mentality.
Our parents took care of us, and likely their own parents. Now it's our
turn to take care of them. Also, many people are distrustful of hired
caregivers, either because of horror stories spread through decades or
because they've had a friend who has had a bad experience. Together,
these feelings can make the idea of the parents moving into the adult
children's home seem like the best solution for all involved.
Pre-teens and teenagers tend to want to fit in with their peers. Most
kids, during those years, are keenly aware of any differences between
their family and that of their friends. How do these kids cope when a
grandparent or a parent has Alzheimer’s disease or another dementia?
My sons were young teens when their grandfather had surgery that left
him with dementia. Literally overnight, the boys saw their loving,
intelligent grandfather become a confused, delusional stranger. The
looks on their faces told me everything I needed to know. These boys
were deeply wounded. They had their own struggle to face in order to
accept what had happened to their grandfather.
Taking
away an elder’s driving privileges is one of the most dreaded challenges that
adult children, or spouses of people with dementia, face. The ability to drive
oneself to a chosen destination is often the ultimate sign of independence.
Conversely, being forced to stop driving is generally viewed by elders as a
major loss of independence. Yet, an unfit driver is a potential killer. When
should a person quit driving, and how do we convince our loved one that he or
she must give up this independence?
A story in the January edition of the Mayo
Clinic newsletter focuses on the dementia and driving problem.
The article points out that while memory is an issue, a person with Alzheimer’s or another dementia
may have trouble prioritizing visual cues which could have even more of an
impact on driving safety.
No matter how well we plan, most of us have some
loose ends to tie up Christmas Eve day, just before going to church or
having the family gather at our home. The present that was ordered early
and then delayed remains in question. Will it arrive in time? The fruit
tray reserved at the grocery store. Will it be there when we arrive to
pick it up?
Probably
more worrisome for caregivers is how their aging loved ones will make it
through the family events. Will Dad be sleepy from his medications or
agitated from all from all of the excitement? Will Mom’s touchy stomach
allow her to eat her favorite foods or will you spend the evening
wondering if you need to make her a nutritional shake to drink while
everyone else eats? Will Aunty throw a tantrum over the
fact that no one made white chocolate fudge this year and, well,
Christmas isn’t Christmas without white chocolate fudge?
Alzheimer’s is
a family disease. Not only does it affect the person with the diagnosis, it
affects the spouse, adult children and even the grandchildren. My dad didn’t
have Alzheimer’s, but he developed a severe post-surgical dementia, so I’ve got
first-hand knowledge about how traumatic it is for grandchildren to witness
their grandparent’s cognitive decline.
Well executed
children’s books are one way to help. I reviewed Still My Grandma and What's Happening to Grandpa?a couple
of years ago. Both are informative, comforting books that can help young
children understand that their grandparent is still their grandparent even
though he or she has changed. They also let the child know that he or she isn’t
alone.
It is especially important for seniors to get the right vitamins
and minerals, many seniors find it helpful to take a multivitamin.
Geritol Complete® multi-vitamin contains every vitamin and
mineral established as essential in nutrition, plus vitamins
A, C, and E in the antioxidant form.
