Minding Our Elders®

Should we tell a parent with dementia that their spouse has died?

My struggle began as we finally were able to get my suffering father into hospice care. I'd fought doctors for quite awhile, with the help of the nurses in the nursing home who knew him well, to get him better pain relief. The attitude of the doctor, who viewed his chart, was that he slept a lot, so he wasn't in that much pain.

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On Oct. 25, PBS will air Bill Moyers’ exploration of end-of –life issues “On Our Own Terms”

Emmy and Peabody Award-winning journalist Bill Moyers interviewed dozens of terminally ill patients to create a four-part exploration of end-of-life issues that span thoughts about everything from health care to cultural attitudes.

A press release that I received from PBS notes quotes of high praise:

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Two very different books about life, death and spirituality agree on major theme

Two books I’ve recently read make an odd pair, but a pair none the less, because both are about living, dying, and accepting the cycle from birth to death. They, on the surface, are quite opposite in their take on spirituality. Yet, in the end, they say the same thing – that a spiritual connection is vital for most people in order to accept the concept of death.

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Is hospice care right for my dad?

Dear Carol: What exactly is hospice care? What can I expect? I just talked to my father’s pulmonary
doctor, and my dad is at the point that there is nothing more that can be done. The doctor thinks we should consider hospice care. I'm not really sure what hospice is. I'm scared they "help" people die, and I do not want that. Does Medicare cover hospice? Is home hospice available? I'd appreciate some information. Don

Dear Don: Like any other care provider hospice organizations are unique, however they should all follow the basic premise that “no one need die in pain.”

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Excellent books for those who are dying and the people who love them

Two small books can make a big difference in a life. The combination of “Hard Choices for Loving People: CPR, Artificial Feeding, Comfort Care and the Patient with a Life-Threatening Illness,” and “Light in the Shadows: Meditations While Living with a Life-Threatening Illness,” has brought comfort to thousands of people in the past. I believe that, for years to come, these books will reach thousands more.

Both Books are written by Hank Dunn, a chaplain who has done wonderful work with hospice. These books both inform and comfort.

“Hard Choices” is informational. The book examines resuscitation, artificial hydration and nutrition, comfort care and gives examples of decision making and treatment options for ill people and their families to consider. In Chapter 5, the chaplain discusses treatment decisions, the emotional nature of struggle, letting go, the spiritual nature of struggle and other points.

“Light in the Shadows” is a companion volume of meditations. I don't feel these meditations are only for those who are dying, and the people who love them. They are very good meditations for anyone struggling with issues in their lives.

Both books are available from the site www.hardchoices.com. I highly recommend them.

 

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Choosing the best hospice for your loved one

Not all hospice organizations are created equal. It's true that in many communities there is only one choice for palliative care, the kind of care people who are dying get that keeps them comfortable but doesn't aim to cure. Some hospitals have a palliative care unit. Many - probably most - hospices are non-profit organizations that are heaven sent to suffering people and their grateful families. However, there are some hospice organizations where better training for the caregivers is needed, and there are a few hospice organizations that are not well run or well informed.

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Communicating with loved ones who cannot speak

For many of us, a time comes when we are visiting or living with a loved who cannot communicate his or her needs. This person cannot tell us when there is pain; this person cannot tell us about love given and received; this person cannot communicate his or her most basic needs. It's up to us to try to determine what the needs are. It's also up to us to understand that communicating our love to them is vital.

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Music therapy spotlighted in feature film

Most people like music of some type. Even animals respond to music, or so studies have shown. After surgery left my dad with severe dementia, I can't imagine how dull his life would have been without the big band music CDs I was able to provide for him, since he enjoyed music from the big band era.

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'How We Age' poetic, respectful look at the aging process

As I read "How We Age," by Marc E. Agronin, MD, I couldn't help but think that that he should be held up as a role model in the medical profession. His dedication to understanding the process of aging, his respect for those experiencing the indignities that aging can bring, along with his recognition that the aged also have hopes and dreams, are worthy of the highest praise. He manages to get across all of these concepts, and much more, in "How We Age."

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Should We Take a Person with Severe Dementia to the Funeral of a Loved one?

A common and heart-breaking question I receive in forums and in e-mail notes is, "Should I take my parent to their spouse's funeral?" When someone is in the later stages of dementia and there seems to be no real memory left, people often feel that to take the person to the funeral of a spouse or other loved one may be at best, a waste of time, and at worst, cruel. There are as many situations like this as there are families who have an elder with dementia. However, I, personally, have some opinions on this issue that I can pass on.

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End-of-life decisions never easy

Dear Carol: My mother is 94 and has stage seven Alzheimer’s disease. She recognizes no one and for the most part simply dozes. Her doctor has diagnosed her with pneumonia, for the third time in a year. He said antibiotics may bring her out of it, but he seems to feel that the time has come to let her go. She has a health care directive that should make the decision easier for me, but it’s still hard. How do we cope with decisions like this? Hurting

Dear Hurting: Deciding whether or not to try one more treatment option for a person who is dying anyway is a hard decision, no matter what the circumstances. I’m including, below, more information for readers, as your note was long, but very thoughtful. You said: “This won't be the first time

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Grief and Relief Mix of Emotions After a Death Can Foster Guilt

When a family member has witnessed a long, slow decline in a spouse or elder prior to the elder's death, the death often brings mixed emotions. While grief is expected, relief that ordeal is over often is a surprise. This feeling of relief is something many people are afraid to make known to others, as they feel guilty having such feelings.

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When a Cure Is Not Possible We Sometimes Have to Settle for Contentment

Most caregivers would do nearly anything to cure their sick loved one. However, we know that we are not going to cure our father of Alzheimer's disease, nor our mother of Parkinson's disease. There are many illnesses that attack our elders that can't be cured. Aging in general is eventually fatal. Therefore, after all medical options for cure have been tried, we often have to accept the fact that the person will not get better. What then? For me, as a caregiver, the answer was to try to help my loved ones feel as content with their quality of life as possible.

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Alzheimer’s Association, hospice are there when you need them

Dear Readers: When we have a loved one with Alzheimer’s, questions abound. Yes, we get some advice from the diagnosing doctor. Yes, there are many online resources available for help and support. Web sites, forums and even in-person support groups are wonderful. Sometimes, however, we simply need to talk to a human being about our questions, the sooner the better. 

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Caregivers May Wonder about Quality of Life for Elders

As a person who was the primary caregiver for multiple elders, many of whom lived for years with debilitating medical problems, I join the ranks of those who have wondered about the price we pay for being “saved” from diseases, only to live for years in a much diminished state. Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. I loved my elders, and wouldn’t willingly have given up a moment that I spent with them. I think it’s wonderful that people can be rushed to an emergency room and have procedures done to save their lives after a stroke or other medical emergency. Antibiotics that can knock out infections have saved millions of elderly people from premature deaths.

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“Lessons in Loss and Living” Helpful Tool for Coping with Grief

 The only way that I’m aware of to avoid grief is to never feel love. Since most of us wouldn’t choose to go through life never loving, we will likely, at one time or another, have to cope with grief and loss.

 Michele A. Reiss, Ph.D. wrote “Lessons in Loss and Living: Hope and Guidance for Confronting Serious Illness and Grief,” with that goal in mind. Reiss has spent over 30 years in the field of psychotherapy, counseling people through their grief process.

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When a Cure Is Not Possible We Sometimes Have to Settle for Contentment

Most caregivers would do nearly anything to cure their sick loved one. However, we know that we are not going to cure our father of Alzheimer's disease, nor our mother of Parkinson's disease. There are many illnesses that attack our elders that can't be cured. Aging in general is eventually fatal. Therefore, after all medical options for cure have been tried, we often have to accept the fact that the person will not get better. What then? For me, as a caregiver, the answer was to try to help my loved ones feel as content with their quality of life as possible.

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Download  Senior Living Conversation Guide in a trifold layout

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Finding Gratitude Even When the Feeling Is Elusive

Dear Readers: As we watch loved ones suffer with health issues and decline, it’s not always easy to find anything to be grateful for. Even though most of us know that many people face harsher circumstances than we do, it’s human to succumb to self-pity. It’s easier to slide into a negative mindset when we feel lonely and isolated - forgotten in our troubles than it is to find things to be grateful for. Yet, Thanksgiving, the holiday many of us will celebrate this week, is supposed to be about gratitude.

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National Hospice Month a Good Time to Evaluate Policy for Dementia Patients

Both of my parents suffered physical as well as mental anguish for years before their deaths. As their pain grew more intense, and the evidence pointed to impending death, we made the choice to ask our local hospice for help. Rarely in my life have I been more at peace with a decision as I was with that one. Hospice worked seamlessly with the nursing home staff, so my parents had familiar people to care for them, as well as more caregivers in the form of hospice nurses, volunteers and a second chaplain.

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