No matter what has happened to our parents as they age, they remain our
parents. Cognitive and physical decline doesn't take away their legacy
as adults. We may have to provide some care that many would consider
demeaning, but given in love, no care is demeaning. Part of that love is
keeping in mind that this person is our parent, the person who raised
us. Respect and preservation of dignity are their due.
Before my dad had brain surgery, he had other health problems including
surgery that required him to have someone attend to his needs while he
healed. At that time, my mother was able to provide most of his care,
but I'd often sit with Dad to give her a break. Those times with Dad are
now some of my most precious memories.
...In my family, there were multiple elders—my father, uncle, mother
and mother-in-law-- in need of varying levels of care at the same time I
had to care for young children. Eventually, they all went to the same facility near my home and I became a daily visitor and part of the care team.
Be realistic. Care centers are generally
too understaffed to give one-on-one care, unless you are paying for a
private duty nurse. Don't expect your loved one's call light to be
answered immediately every time.
Most of us, when we have a vulnerable loved one, want to take care of
them. We aren't excited about having strangers take over the care of
our loved ones, and our loved ones normally aren't excited about that
idea, either. However, outside care eventually becomes a necessity for many. When
we are talking about elder care, often people jump immediately to the
"nursing home" solution, since in days past, that was pretty much the
only choice people had once someone couldn't stay at home, or with
family. Things have changed now, but that doesn't mean it is easy.
...Of course, we don't always make the right call regarding every
circumstance. But we do our best. I'd hazard a guess that the most
painful decision for most of us to make is whether or not it's in our
loved one's best interests to place him or her in a nursing home. If it
is also in our best interest, then the guilt looms even larger.
You already know what may be gained by giving up employment and
becoming the sole caregiver for your parents. You are the hands-on
person and know their care intimately. You know how they are doing day
and night and you hope they will appreciate your help. They raised you
and you want to give back.
People often ask what to look for when choosing an assisted living facility
or a nursing home for a loved one. There are grading sites such as the Medicare
Nursing Home Guide, found on Medicare.gov, and I suggest you use them.
However, there are many things that go into good care that can’t be measured on
a chart. In order to see the heart of a facility, you need to spend some time
there. Observe routines and pay attention to the atmosphere. What is your gut
feeling about the place?
Have you ever entered someone's home and felt good things about it even
if it's cluttered or decorated in a way you find tacky? We find that a
home can have an aura of happiness or lightness about it and we feel
comfortable. Conversely, other homes feel as if the air is heavy and
burdensome.
Dear Carol: My mother, who is in
her early 70s, suffers from advanced multiple sclerosis. She lives with me, my
husband of three years, and my step daughter. Mom’s mentally fine, but
physically she needs a lot of care which includes lifting and continence issues.
I’m 37 years old and would really like to have a baby. My husband would, too,
but he is afraid that I can’t handle a pregnancy and second child as well as
care for mom and our daughter. We need my income from my part-time job, so
quitting that isn’t an option.
...The nursing home staff would occasionally confide in me about families
who "took over" the nursing home. The families came on like they owned
the facility and their loved one was the only person who mattered. They
cornered every staff member they could find and talked to them either
with the attitude of a good neighbor who had all the time in the world,
or as an adversary who needed constant monitoring. Neither attitude is
good.
People who read my work on a regular basis know
that I am grateful to hospice for the care of both of my parents. Without the
skilled, compassionate care of the hospice staff, both of my parents would have
suffered far more than they did. As it was, they’d both had long, slow declines
and pain had become the focus of their days even though they received excellent
care in the nursing home. When Dad and Mom qualified for hospice care, meaning
that their physician considered their conditions terminal, I filled out the
paperwork for each of them.
...Though we may be emotionally shredded by the changes in our loved ones'
physical and often mental health, we soldier on daily trying to help
them maintain some quality in their lives. This can drain us of energy
and devour our time to where we have little left to give to our friends,
so those who don't understand the challenges caregivers face often drift away.
...Caregivers can get drawn into their own version of the "mommy wars" if
they start to compare time spent in the presence of the care receiver to
quality of care. We need to be careful to avoid nit picking and support
each other as caregivers no matter what the differences in our
situations may be.
Many people are reluctant to visit elders, whether they are in their
homes or a facility, mainly because they wonder what they’ll talk about.
While this reluctance is more of a worry if the elder has memory
problems from dementia, it’s often a problem even when memory isn’t an
issue.Since elders by definition have many decades of life to their credit,
they will likely enjoy looking back on the past. This is especially
important when people have Alzheimer’s disease, because their disease
prevents them from forming new memories. Nearly everyone enjoys
reminiscing to some degree.
Every
person who becomes a caregiver will have unique personality traits, yet we
nearly always share certain feelings and experiences as we travel a road
similar to one another. That’s one reason that caregivers often turn to other
caregivers for support. It’s a version of the adage that we need to walk in
another’s shoes in order to truly understand what they feel. One of those shared experiences is a certain
amount of stress.
...Then there's your grandparents. Yeah, your grandparents. Most of us have
seen stories where a couple of elders are getting married at the local nursing home.
He's 78 and she's 86. We vacillate between thinking "cute" and "what
are their families thinking, allowing this?" We wonder if they are clear
enough, mentally, to be getting married.
Adult children often worry about their aging parents’ eating
habits. Sometimes the elders live alone and don’t feel like cooking or even
going out to buy groceries. They may have pain issues that keep them from enjoying
food, or dentures that make chewing uncomfortable. Depression can be a factor
for some people, as can medication side effects. Loneliness, especially for
people who have lost a spouse to a nursing home or death, can make eating seem
unimportant or unattractive.
My parents had moved from a fairly large family home to a smaller house,
and eventually to an apartment, before my mom and I looked at assisted
living facilities for her. By then, Dad was in a nursing home. Those
gradual moves forced my parents to part with furniture and other
collected belongings, yet there was still a lot to jettison when the
need for a final move became apparent. My heart goes out to elders and
their families when they are leaving a house that has been home for
decades to move into a small assisted living room. How can you help your
parent or parents through this downsizing.
...Start by understanding that while your parent or parents move to
assisted living may seem very positive to you since you see the fresh
start, the handy, nutritious meals and the social activities as positive
motivations, this move represents significant loss for your parents.
Even if they are leaving an older, deteriorating home for a sparkling
new assisted living facility, they are leaving behind a good deal of
their past.
Dear Carol: My
mother has lived in a very nice assisted living facility for several years,
though she’s been quite independent. It’s a 300 mile drive for me to visit her, so
I can only visit occasionally. I have a sister who lives within 25 miles and
visits once a week. Mom seems to enjoy her friends and this facility is home to
her. However, my sister says that now Mom really should have help bathing and
someone should monitor her medications. Even dressing is getting to be a chore
because of severe arthritis. The problem is that the facility wants to charge more
to provide these services. I thought this kind of care is what assisted living
is about. - Greg
Dear Greg: The
terms that describe senior living situations change with the times and can be
quite different depending on where people live. In some parts of the country, your
mom’s current living situation would be considered independent living, with her
increasing needs requiring that she transition to assisted living. The monthly
fee increases with the added care services.
It is especially important for seniors to get the right vitamins
and minerals, many seniors find it helpful to take a multivitamin.
Geritol Complete® multi-vitamin contains every vitamin and
mineral established as essential in nutrition, plus vitamins
A, C, and E in the antioxidant form.
