Minding Our Elders®

Deciding whether surgery is a good option for an elder can be tricky

This is a subject close to my heart, as my dad had surgery to relieve pressure from fluid on the brain due to an old World War II injury. A shunt was put into dad's brain to drain excess fluid. This type of surgery is not uncommon and is generally successful. Dad went into surgery a little fuzzy from the fluid, but still very much himself. A day after the surgery, he fell into a hellish dementia from which he never recovered until death took him a decade later.

Read more about deciding whether surgery for an elder is worth the risk:

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Nursing homes are changing to accommodate two generations of elders

The young seniors who are now edging their way into the nursing homes are a generation who just missed being baby boomers (some are actually boomers, but may need nursing care at a younger age because of a stroke, MS or other ill health). This generation remembers sitting around a giant radio, often the centerpiece of the living room, listening to The Lone Ranger. Then later actually viewing the show in their homes on a huge television set with a small, round screen.

Read more about nursing homes changing to accommodate two generations of elders:

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Celebrating Valentine's Day when loved one can't understand

During their last years, my parents' special days would be considered by some to be a fiasco, if the celebrations were judged by traditional standards. Yet, I'll never regret trying my best to simulate the kind of celebration my parents had always had. Celebrations give life some texture. And if anyone needs something to make one day different than all of the others, it's people who are already coping with the indignities the aging process can bring.

Read more about helping your elders with Valentine's Day:

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Trying to prevent falls in elderly a challenge to family caregivers and professionals

I've joked (actually, it's thinly veiled seriousness) with care agency people, and our city leaders, that every city needs one person available day and night to just sit and wait for a call to pick someone up off the floor. Caregivers have a dreadful time with this problem and often they don't know who to call for help.

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When both parents have dementia

Statistics vary, but upward of thirty percent of caregivers die before those they are caring for. Some of those are adult children, lonely and depressed, isolated and frustrated, often torn by guilt. These caregivers can develop cancer, commit suicide, or have heart problems and other ill health that can likely be traced to the stress of caring for their loved ones.

How do caregivers cope when they have two parents with dementia?:

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Adjusting to the new normal: when caregiving takes over your life

Most caregivers go into caregiving mode with full hearts and wonderful intentions. They rarely stop to think, "Hmm, this could go on for years. I'd better plan it out. If I move to part-time at work, have more child care and spend mornings caring for my parents' needs, it will be difficult, but possible. If I continue to work full time, I'll have more for retirement, but I can't do it all. I have to plan this out."

 Read more about adjusting to a new normal after caregiving changes your life:

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How do we keep our elders safe and still maintain their sense of dignity?

How do we get elders to stop doing "handyman" tasks, doing yard work that should be hired out or even extensive kitchen work? Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If a person has no purpose in life, why go on living? For elders whose bodies – and sometimes minds – seem to betray them more each day, this becomes an issue.

Read more about keeping our elders safe while preserving their dignity:

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When your parent repeats "I want to go home"

A tip, here, for people who still have their elder at home, but the elder still asks to "go home." Understand what the person wants and then try the same distraction or relearning technique. Some people go as far as taking the person in the car and driving around the block, then re-entering the house. This can work for awhile, but not likely that long. No matter what you do, you will hear it again: "I want to go home." The point here is that no matter what you do or say, likely you will continue to hear the plea to "go home."

Read more about how to handle the plea "I want to go home":

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What can caregiver do when no one comes to visit or call an elder?

Dear Carol: My mom, 93 years old, sent cash Christmas gifts to all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. However, she got few thank you notes and asks why she never hears back from these people.  She also doesn’t have many friends left so there’s no one to fill the void. She has early to mid-stage dementia and gets depressed easily when she does not get visits, phone calls or notes. My siblings do call and some come to visit once or twice a month, but I wish they would do more.

Read more about how to encourage more family involvement with an elder:

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Reminiscing a powerful “drug” for people with dementia

I love stories. When I was a teenager, I’d encourage grandparents to relate stories of their young years struggling to survive on the wind-swept prairie. When I grew older, I was fascinated by the stories my parents and in-laws told of their early years of growing up during the Great Depression. Little did I know at the time that peoples’ stories would become the springboard for my life’s work. Now there is mounting evidence that encouraging our elders to reminisce about their past is therapeutic as well as enjoyable.

Read more about how reminscing can perk up the mood and brain for our aging loved ones:

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When we can no longer carry the caregiving responsibilities alone

...outside care eventually becomes a necessity for many. When we are talking about elder care, often people jump immediately to the "nursing home" solution, since in days past, that was pretty much the only choice people had once someone couldn't stay at home, or with family. Things have changed now, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

Read more about when the time comes for outside help:

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Handling the pain when your loved one no longer recognizes you

I recall asking one of the nurses at the nursing home if my mother-in-law knew who I was. I was aware she couldn't have told anyone my name or my exact purpose in her life. That much was evident. However, I wondered if she knew that I was there to see her. The nurse assured me that my mother-in-law's seeing me step off the elevator as she sat in the common room was a highlight of her day. I was glad of that. I felt my visiting her was important no matter what she "knew," but it was nice to hear those words from the nurse just the same.

Read more about when a loved one no longer recognizes you:

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Alzheimer’s Foundation of America stands up against antipsychotic use for people with Alzheimer’s

We’ve addressed the inappropriate use of antipsychotic drugs for dementia patients a number of times on these pages. In one article, I wrote about my dad’s terrifying experience after he was given one of those antipsychotic drugs after failed brain surgery, and my fight to get him off the drug.

Read more about standing before Congress to fight against non-essential use of antipsychotics:

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Emotional eating: why caregivers often do it

Somewhere deep in our subconscious most of us learn to connect food – at least certain types of food – with nurturing, comfort and solace. Caregivers, stressed to the max from trying to stay ahead of the needs of elders or others who depend on their care, often turn to food to comfort themselves or to relax. There tends to be a "I deserve this" mentality, and caregivers do, indeed, deserve to be pampered somehow. It's human and actually very good to want to comfort ourselves when we are stressed or even bored.

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Adult day care can give break to elder and caregiver

I’ve spoken with many caregivers who say their elder, once adjusted to the new day care setting, truly enjoys going out two days a week, or even every week day. The multiple activities offered in a good center are one reason. The chance to be with other elders is another. For some people with Alzheimer’s, day care – or day services, as some are called – can represent a reason to get up in the morning. It’s something to do. If it’s part of a routine, so much the better.

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How much do adult children owe their elderly parents?

Today, we hear about the toll elder care takes on families as routinely as we heard the former dialogs in the 70s. Adult children are being faced with choices (or seemingly, assignments) they never thought about before. They are raising children or teenagers and holding down a job, when suddenly they find that their aging parents need an ever increasing amount of attention. 

Read more about how much is too much in parent care:

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When one parent dies and the other needs a caregiver

Long-term marriages generally evolve into a support system so efficient that even adult children hardly notice changes in their parents. If Dad's hearing is poor, Mom becomes his ears. If Mom's arthritis is bad, Dad becomes her muscle. If one of them has memory loss, the other fills in the gaps so smoothly that it's barely noticeable to onlookers. Then, either Mom or Dad dies.

Read more about when one parent dies:

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It’s Christmas Day: are you enjoying it?

Many people are celebrating Christmas Day, today, December 25^th. Caregivers may find the word "celebrating" a little over the top, but try not to be too dismissive.

If you are caring for a parent or spouse who doesn't recognize you for who you are, that doesn't mean your efforts are unappreciated. Know that on some level, your love is understood. Celebrate that.

If you have rushed around like a wild person trying to make a perfect holiday happen for your family, well, today you are done, no matter where you are in the process. Celebrate that.

Read more about enjoying Christmas Day as a caregiver:

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Staying in the moment for the holidays

Dear Readers: As you read this column, you may be starting your Christmas day, ending it, or catching up on newspapers the day after your celebration. Whenever you get around to reading your newspaper, Christmas will still be on your mind.

A few thoughts: if there is ever a time to live in the present moment, it’s now. If your brother and you have an ongoing disagreement about how to care for your parents, try to forget the past and not think about the future. This is your sibling. Today is a day to celebrate an event much larger than family squabbles.

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The challenges of long-distance caregiving

The days when most extended families lived in the same town have been over for decades. People often move from the home town right after college graduation. If not, they may move later for a better job or to follow a spouse who was transferred by an employer. Whatever the reason, once their parents show signs of aging and decline, adult children can find that being a long-distance caregiver tugs at their hearts and their wallets. Where do these people turn for help in caring for their loved ones?

Read more about long-distance caregiving and the challenges one faces:

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