Minding Our Elders®

Telling Your Loved One It's Time To Call Hospice

Our culture has historically been devoted to cure illness at all costs, and death is often looked at as "failure," no matter the age or condition of the person being treated. Many other cultures readily accept death as part of the life cycle. I believe we, as a culture, are making progress in this direction, but death still tends to be a word people avoid. If it's up to you to inform a loved one that he or she would be more comfortable under hospice care – or that a person they love will be on hospice care – there are steps you can take to get you through this difficult transition.

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Finding a New Life After Caregiving Ends

Many of us start our caregiving career by assisting an elder in his or her home, or we have a spouse who declines and we become the default caregiver in our own home. This care expands to a point where we need some type of respite, often in the form of in-home care agency help. Eventually, the move to assisted living or even a nursing home may become necessary for everyone's health and wellbeing. Whatever happens, we remain caregivers. Many of us continue to see our care receiver daily. Most of us continue to be involved as advocates and support throughout the time of need. When our loving attention and care is no longer needed, we can, indeed, feel lost.

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Caregiving: What Would You Do Differently if You Were to Start Over?

As a seasoned caregiver of multiple elders, I can choose to torture myself with my perceived failures at being a perfect caregiver, or I can choose to forgive myself for being imperfect, and recognize that I did the best I could at the time. You have the same choice.

Much like an adult who realizes that he or she has a "wounded child" living inside – a child who suffers from unearned self-blame or low self-esteem because of life events – many adult caregivers carry the guilt from their "infant" caregiving years to their grave. They spend precious time thinking about how they should have understood someone's needs better, could have been more patient, would have done any number of things better, if only they knew then what they know now.

Read more about what how to let go of caregiver regret:

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Stephen Ministers can help with grief support

Dear Carol: My mom has multiple sclerosis and Dad took care of her for years. Eventually, she had to go into a nursing home, but it was near their apartment and Dad remained a dedicated caregiver. Things went well until Dad died of a sudden heart attack. Since there was no one left for mom, and the three of us kids live in different towns, we decided to move mom to a very nice nursing home near me, the oldest daughter. Mom is so devastated by Dad’s death that she doesn’t care about anything, including the move. Her doctor here has her on an antidepressant which doesn’t seem to do much. She’s a very devoted Christian and just wants to “join” Dad. How can I help her live a better quality of life? - Freddie

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Wishing an elderly, ailing parent could die and feeling guilty

Let’s say a widowed father has a stroke. The family goes into crisis mode. The doctors bring him through, and then what? He’s disabled and can’t go home alone. The family doesn’t want Dad to go to a nursing home, so the daughter who lives in town makes some adjustments to her home and takes dad in with her. Everyone is on an adrenaline high. Then reality sets in.

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Communicating with loved ones who cannot speak

For many of us, a time comes when we are visiting or living with a loved who cannot communicate his or her needs. This person cannot tell us when there is pain; this person cannot tell us about love given and received; this person cannot communicate his or her most basic needs. It's up to us to try to determine what the needs are. It's also up to us to understand that communicating our love to them is vital.

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How often do we tell person with dementia a parent is long dead?

Dear Carol: My mom has dementia. She insists that her dead aunt and grandma are still alive and when I tell her they are dead, she gets angry and then cries as if they died yesterday. She's shocked that no one told her that they are gone, but of course she knew years ago. Also, she starts packing her clothes to get ready to go back “home,” which is in another country. She's been in this country for 35 years, yet she insists she is only here to visit. My dad has to hide suitcases to keep her from packing. How can I convince that she is home and her family is here? Juana 

Dear Juana: With dementia, particularly Alzheimer’s disease, people mentally go back in time. Your mom is thinking of her aunt and grandma as they were many years ago, likely when your mom was young. 

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Grieving loss before death

Many of us as adult children or spouses suffer from what is often called "the long good-bye." There may be some debate as to the appropriateness of that term, but there is little to debate in the fact that we who must witness our loved one slowly disappear, physically, mentally, or both, grieve. Yes, we grieve the fact that our loved one will die – which is often referred to as anticipatory grief. But we also grieve each loss of function, each moment of pain.

Read more about early grief on agingcare.com:

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Music therapy spotlighted in feature film

Most people like music of some type. Even animals respond to music, or so studies have shown. After surgery left my dad with severe dementia, I can't imagine how dull his life would have been without the big band music CDs I was able to provide for him, since he enjoyed music from the big band era.

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Stepping Stones in Care Needs: A Nursing Home May Be Necessary Even if You Need to Break a Promise

Nursing homes are often a necessary step in caring for our elders. For safety and health management, people who live to be very among the very old and frail frequently live in a state that needs professional nursing care. The guilt many adult children feel over placing a parent in a nursing home often reaches back to old promises and old ideas. Yet, sometimes there is no choice. Letting go of guilt is hard, but caregivers need to remember that they will still be part of the care team.

Read more about the fact that you may have to break "that promise"

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Be Aware of Your Words When a Loved One's Death Is Near

Researchers say that the ability to hear is the last sense to surrender as a person's body goes through the death process. That statement assumes, of course, that the person has previously suffered no profound hearing loss. Most of this research has been done on people who are in a coma. However, many of us who have attended deaths of loved ones have seen for ourselves the effects of words on an otherwise non-responsive elder.

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Touch, voice and family love can create "miracles"

In the recent tragedy that occurred in Tucson, Arizona, where a young man opened fire on a community event, killing six and wounding 13, Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head. Most medical people were pretty well convinced that if Giffords would "recover" at all, she be left severely damaged. This still may be the case, however as I write this article, Giffords' first steps toward recovery is creating the image of a living miracle.

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When a Cure Is Not Possible We Sometimes Have to Settle for Contentment

Most caregivers would do nearly anything to cure their sick loved one. However, we know that we are not going to cure our father of Alzheimer's disease, nor our mother of Parkinson's disease. There are many illnesses that attack our elders that can't be cured. Aging in general is eventually fatal. Therefore, after all medical options for cure have been tried, we often have to accept the fact that the person will not get better. What then? For me, as a caregiver, the answer was to try to help my loved ones feel as content with their quality of life as possible.

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Stepping Stones in Care Needs: Turning to Hospice after a Terminal Diagnosis

The hospice message that "no one need die in pain" is one many of us find appealing. Yet hospice care is still rather a mystery to multitudes of people. Also, as with any other type of care, some hospices are better than others. In general, however, most hospice organizations comply with their mission of helping people live the last months or their lives with dignity and free of pain.

Hospice Care Becomes Personal

While I'd been aware of hospice care for years, the first time I used the service was for my dad. After ten years of dementia brought on by side effects of surgery

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Surprising and Gratifying Moments in Caregiving: People with Dementia Can Have Moments of Clarity

During one visit, no different in most respects than my other daily visits to my dad who lived in a nearby nursing home, he looked at me with total clarity, and said, "I think I make up all of these problems because I need something to do." The man speaking was my dad. His eyes and the whole look of his face were like dad used to be, before his dementia. His beautiful blue eyes looked softly at me rather than rolling in their sockets. The faded look I'd grown used to was gone. The moment was strange and mystical.

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Your parent is dying: When is hospice needed?

A billboard in my city carries a simple message: "Most families say, "Why did we wait so long to call hospice?" When I talk with our local hospice folks, they say that is the message they hear most often. Yet, I understand why people do wait. Calling in hospice for the care of an elderly parent or other a loved one means you need to come to terms, on all levels, with the idea that this person is dying.

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Grief and Relief Mix of Emotions After a Death Can Foster Guilt

Out of the seven elders I cared for over the span of two decades, four would qualify as having had long, slow deaths. Actually, the only surprise illness and death was my aunt. She had been seemingly healthy all of her life until she collapsed outside the hospital she was about to enter so she could visit her husband.

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Caregivers Often Suffer Unfounded Guilt

Heads around the packed room nodded as I spoke. Many listeners grabedd tissues from strategically placed boxes. The head bobbing had started in earnest after I said, "There are times during this long journey when you'll look at the suffering elder and think, ‘Why can't you just die quickly?'"

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Book on Spiritual Healing Inspiring

Sam Oliver's Another Path into Healing is an inspiring call to action. The focus on the masculine part of the soul brings the reader into what Oliver calls "focused intention." We all have elements of the feminine and masculine within us. It's the unity of these sides that brings balance into our lives.
 
While the feminine side is nurturing, the masculine side is about movement and action. Oliver's book offers a thoughtful look at the human condition and how we best function. One dollar of the price of every volume of Another Path into Healing goes to one of my favorite organizations - hospice care. The book can be ordered from www.pathintohealing.com.

 

 

 

 

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