Minding Our Elders®

When siblings are more interested in the inheritance than good elder care

Ah, siblings. Some are a joy. Some are helping the primary caregiver, as you struggle to find the right balance of care for your elderly parents. Some siblings don't help with caregiving at all. And some, maybe more than we'd like to admit, have a less than admirable motive for their comments.  Some don't want Mom to have outside care, because outside care is expensive. And outside care will quickly eat up their parents' hard-earned money – the money the family was to inherit.

Read more about siblings who'd rather inherit money than spend it on their parents:

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Try not to shut out your distance siblings when you are the primary caregiver

...the adult child living closest to the parents may not be the one who is best suited emotionally, financially or practically, for the job. This person may be a single mother trying desperately to take care of children and provide them with a living by working two low paying jobs. Then she takes on the parents, as they live in the same town. She is, understandably, overwhelmed.

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When short-term caregiving turns into long-term care

It may sound selfish to some, but to caregivers who dove into caregiving with full hearts and no planning, then ended up sustaining this life-altering mode for months and often years, it's a perfectly rational question. People put their lives, as they are living them, on hold in order to care for others. That's good. But when "hold" becomes the new norm, there's a mental adjustment to go through. And sometimes that includes dealing with resentment.

Read more about coping with the life change that long-term caregiving brings:

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8 tips that can help caregiver burnout

During those heavy years, I didn't exercise like I did when my kids were young. I ate junk food. I was too tired to care. None of this was good. My sister teases me that I now preach about what I didn't do. And she's right. I didn't take care of myself very well.

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When siblings don't agree on parent care

Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became a default caregiver can start to feel resentful. The out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial. They aren't around to see how much help is needed. They see Mom and Dad occasionally, talk to them on the phone, and all seems well. The fact that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so smoothly doesn't really register with them.

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Help your kids cope with grandparent's dementia

Children can be frightened by the changes in the grandparent who was once gentle and loving, but could now have become cranky and occasionally downright mean and abusive. How we, as parents, handle the changes in our own parents can affect how well our children handle the changes. But each child is different and each set of circumstances is different. So where to you start when it's time to explain?

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Wife struggles to care for husband with early on-set Alzheimer’s

Dear Carol: My husband developed Alzheimer’s disease at 46. I’ve cared for him on my own for three years, while also running the business we started years ago. I can’t leave my husband at home for long so I frequently have to leave work to check on him. This is affecting my ability to do my work well. I’ve tried hiring in-home care and that helped, but I still worry if they will show up, or if someone is late in the morning, then I will be late to my business. I also don’t feel he gets much mental stimulation at home. I’m exhausted when I do get home, since I need to get up very early to take care of his needs, and when I get home he needs more care. I love my husband dearly and don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on him, but I can’t continue this way, either. What are my options?  - Emma

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Celebrating Valentine's Day when loved one can't understand

During their last years, my parents' special days would be considered by some to be a fiasco, if the celebrations were judged by traditional standards. Yet, I'll never regret trying my best to simulate the kind of celebration my parents had always had. Celebrations give life some texture. And if anyone needs something to make one day different than all of the others, it's people who are already coping with the indignities the aging process can bring.

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Trying to prevent falls in elderly a challenge to family caregivers and professionals

I've joked (actually, it's thinly veiled seriousness) with care agency people, and our city leaders, that every city needs one person available day and night to just sit and wait for a call to pick someone up off the floor. Caregivers have a dreadful time with this problem and often they don't know who to call for help.

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When both parents have dementia

Statistics vary, but upward of thirty percent of caregivers die before those they are caring for. Some of those are adult children, lonely and depressed, isolated and frustrated, often torn by guilt. These caregivers can develop cancer, commit suicide, or have heart problems and other ill health that can likely be traced to the stress of caring for their loved ones.

How do caregivers cope when they have two parents with dementia?:

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UK reporter chronicles dementia awareness course: calls it a “taste of hell”

The saying that we can’t really understand another person’s experience until we’ve “walked in their shoes,” has always felt right to me. Intelligent people can be educated to the brim and be able to give excellent “book” advice. However, it frequently takes someone who has endured an experience similar to ours in order to make us feel thoroughly understood. This is where real "hands on" advice differs from advice in the abstract.

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Adjusting to the new normal: when caregiving takes over your life

Most caregivers go into caregiving mode with full hearts and wonderful intentions. They rarely stop to think, "Hmm, this could go on for years. I'd better plan it out. If I move to part-time at work, have more child care and spend mornings caring for my parents' needs, it will be difficult, but possible. If I continue to work full time, I'll have more for retirement, but I can't do it all. I have to plan this out."

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How to prepare when a parent or grandparent comes to live with you

These days, having grandma move in with the family is still an option for some families, but it has become more complicated. First of all, there are fewer families with a stay-at-home adult in the home. This is where a great deal depends on Grandma's health. I know of one family where the dad is single. He has custody of his two young sons most of the time, and his mother has moved in. For the most part, Grandma is actually a help with the boys. Yes, she has her issues, and there has been some adjusting on all sides. But with Dad's odd hours and Grandma still fairly capable, it's a situation that works well for all.

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Improving elder health care transitions

Fortunately for me and my family, I was able to make myself available to help each of my elders after their many hospitalizations. Typically, however, many families simply don’t have anyone in a position to help, and elders go home only to return quickly to the hospital setting because they didn’t have the community support needed for recovering.

Billions of dollars are spent annually by elders returning home from hospital stays. According to the US Administration on Aging, almost one out of every five Medicare patients ends up back in the hospital within 30 days. Most of these readmissions are due to poor transitions due to poor communication and medical mismanagement. The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) have been trying to address this problem.

Read more about getting the information download from CMS on reducing hospitalization of elders:

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Where is our parents' controlling behavior coming from?

Sometimes the dynamics between caregiver and care receiving parents are just a continuation of the dynamics that were always there – a child trying to please a parent who can’t be pleased. The controlling behavior is abusive and likely handed down from generation to generation. This behavior is so entrenched in the family that it seems only therapy could change anything and family therapy is not likely to happen at this late date. However, sometimes, if the caregiver gets brave enough to decide what is just bad temper they can live with and what is abusive, and then sets boundaries and sticks to them, the situation can be made more bearable.

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Adult day care can give break to elder and caregiver

I’ve spoken with many caregivers who say their elder, once adjusted to the new day care setting, truly enjoys going out two days a week, or even every week day. The multiple activities offered in a good center are one reason. The chance to be with other elders is another. For some people with Alzheimer’s, day care – or day services, as some are called – can represent a reason to get up in the morning. It’s something to do. If it’s part of a routine, so much the better.

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The New Year is a good time for a caregiver attitude adjustment

This is a new year, which makes it a good time psychologically for an attitude adjustment on your part. Changing your attitude toward your caregiving responsibilities doesn't mean that you don't love the person you are caring for as much as ever. Changing your attitude may even be evidence, once you think about it, of the depth of your love.

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The challenges of long-distance caregiving

The days when most extended families lived in the same town have been over for decades. People often move from the home town right after college graduation. If not, they may move later for a better job or to follow a spouse who was transferred by an employer. Whatever the reason, once their parents show signs of aging and decline, adult children can find that being a long-distance caregiver tugs at their hearts and their wallets. Where do these people turn for help in caring for their loved ones?

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In-home agencies need cell phone regulations for staff

Cell phones have become as much a part of our culture as cars. While cell phones are a wonderful convenience and occasionally a life saver, they can also be a toy and a distraction. Excessive cell phone usage has become a frequent complaint by families who hire in-home agencies to care for their elders. Every in-home agency should have a strictly enforced policy for cell phone use by their employees.

Read more about how cell phones can be used properly by in-home care staff:

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Start early talking about parents' views on care

If your family is among the many that gather during the holidays, this time of celebration can give you the opportunity to jumpstart a conversation of this kind.

You are likely aware that bursting through the door Christmas Eve and thrusting this brochure into your parents' hands as you deliver your holiday hug isn't a good idea. However, tucking a few copies of the brochure into your suitcase could be a good plan. Then after the celebrating is over and everyone is reacquainted and mellow, you can start this important conversation with as little stress as possible. It's very likely that your parents would like to share their wishes with you, but aging and the attendant decline are often difficult topics to approach. Often, all that's really needed is a nudge in the right direction.

Read more about starting that essential conversation with your parents:

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