Minding Our Elders®

Adult Grandchildren Often Pick Up the Role of Caregiver

Few people who have fulfilled the caregiver role to an elder would say it's an easy job. However, most caregivers are either adult children who have at least matured into their 40s or 50s, or else they are mature spouses of the ill person. These caregivers have a few decades of living behind them and hopefully have been able to enjoy some young years where their responsibilities, at the most, were to take care of themselves, a spouse and their children.

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Siblings Disagree About Mom Seeking Dementia Evaluation

Dear Carol: My sister Jean has wanted our mom to see a doctor about memory issues for months but Mom says she’s fine. Jean lives out of town, so she set aside a day to come into town and take Mom to lunch and get Mom’s hair cut. Then, Jean sprung a doctor appointment on Mom and, not surprisingly, Mom refused to go. She and Jean had a fight. I took Mom’s side which probably didn’t help matters. Mom already sees her doctor for osteoporosis and severe arthritis, but she won’t take memory tests even though her memory is slipping a lot. She also has some confusion.

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Redefining Life After the Death of a Care Receiver

Many of us start our caregiving career by assisting an elder in his or her home, or we have a spouse who declines and we become the default caregiver in our own home. This care expands to a point where we need some type of respite, often in the form of in-home care agency help. Eventually, the move to assisted living or even a nursing home may become necessary for everyone's health and wellbeing. Whatever happens, we remain caregivers. Many of us continue to see our care receiver daily. Most of us continue to be involved as advocates and support throughout the time of need. When our loving attention and care is no longer needed, we can, indeed, feel lost.

Read more about rebuilding your life after your care receiver dies:

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Caregiving Often Starts After the Death of One Parent

...The death of a parent is tough, whether it's sudden or a long time coming. The advantage of a slower death is that there may have been more time to prepare, however human nature being what is, often people don't use that time well. Of course, a sudden death can throw everyone back by the very nature of the shock. Either way, unless there is a solid reason to do otherwise, it's generally unwise to make changes too quickly, if they can't easily be undone.

Read about why, after a spouse's death, the surviving spouse often needs more care:

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How To Tell Your Parent That It's Time for Hospice

Do You Regret Placing Your Parent In a Nursing Home?

...Of course, we don't always make the right call regarding every circumstance. But we do our best. I'd hazard a guess that the most painful decision for most of us to make is whether or not it's in our loved one's best interests to place him or her in a nursing home. If it is also in our best interest, then the guilt looms even larger.

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Is It Wise To Quit a Job to Be a Caregiver?

You already know what may be gained by giving up employment and becoming the sole caregiver for your parents. You are the hands-on person and know their care intimately. You know how they are doing day and night and you hope they will appreciate your help. They raised you and you want to give back.

Read more about quitting a paying job to care for your parents:

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How To Tell Your Parent That It's Time for Hospice

Our culture has historically been devoted to cure illness at all costs, and death is often looked at as "failure," no matter the age or condition of the person being treated. Many other cultures readily accept death as part of the life cycle. I believe we, as a culture, are making progress in this direction, but death still tends to be a word people avoid. If it's up to you to inform a loved one that he or she would be more comfortable under hospice care – or that a person they love will be on hospice care – there are steps you can take to get you through this difficult transition.

Read more about how to break the news that it's time for hospice:

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Choosing Senior Housing for Your Parent

Have you ever entered someone's home and felt good things about it even if it's cluttered or decorated in a way you find tacky? We find that a home can have an aura of happiness or lightness about it and we feel comfortable. Conversely, other homes feel as if the air is heavy and burdensome.

Read about how to go about choosing senior housing:

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Torn Between Children and Eldercare

Dear Carol: My mother, who is in her early 70s, suffers from advanced multiple sclerosis. She lives with me, my husband of three years, and my step daughter. Mom’s mentally fine, but physically she needs a lot of care which includes lifting and continence issues. I’m 37 years old and would really like to have a baby. My husband would, too, but he is afraid that I can’t handle a pregnancy and second child as well as care for mom and our daughter. We need my income from my part-time job, so quitting that isn’t an option.

Read more about the struggle about caregiving:

 

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Loving and Understanding Our Imperfect Mothers

...We need to understand, love and forgive ourselves for our perceived imperfections as mothers. And yes, we need to try to understand, love and forgive our mothers for what may have been less than perfect mothering practices. Perfection is hard to define and resides in the eye of the beholder, so it's a subjective idea, anyway.

Read about understanding our imperfect mothers:

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Should Siblings Split the Cost of Parent Care?

...So, who helps with the cost? Many people think Medicare will help with these costs. Medicare does not generally pay for assisted living, though some states have programs where seniors who qualify can choose how to spend the money allotted to them through some hybrid programs involving Medicare.

Read more about how siblings may share the cost of assisted living for their parents:

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Not Every Adult Child Can Be a Caregiver

Dear Carol: I feel guilty because I don’t want be a caregiver for my elderly mother. I’m an only child, and since my father died she’s come to rely on me more than she needs to. She’s healthy and has plenty of money. She has friends, though she seems to prefer leaning on me. She was controlling and emotionally abusive when I was growing up, so we don’t have a great relationship, but I’m willing to help her out, and naturally I am on call for emergencies. I just don’t want to become her sole caregiver.

Read more about feeling resistance to becoming a caregiver:

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Making Caregiving a Team Effort

...During my years of caregiving, one incident in particular made me realize that in order for caregivers to keep their sanity, they have to eliminate that "I" by building a support team. What happened that led to my epiphany?

Read about building a caregiving team to help everyone get by more easily:

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Caregiver's Often Use Humor to Survive

...Though we may be emotionally shredded by the changes in our loved ones' physical and often mental health, we soldier on daily trying to help them maintain some quality in their lives. This can drain us of energy and devour our time to where we have little left to give to our friends, so those who don't understand the challenges caregivers face often drift away.

Read more about using humor to get throught the challenges of caregiving:

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Infections May Speed the Progression of Alzheimer’s Disease

Last December, a team of scientists working collaboratively under the guidance of the University of Bonn and the University of Massachusetts discovered that there was an association between chronic inflammation and the death of brain nerve cells. This discovery led them to theorize that chronic inflammation could possibly lead to the development of Alzheimer’s disease. A different study now underway is focusing on a similar theory. The new study, initiated in January of this year, is led by Delphine Boche, Lecturer in Clinical Neurosciences at Southampton, England.

Read more about how infections speed progression of AD:

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Communicating With a Person Who Has Dementia Takes Skill, Heart

Communicating with someone who has dementia can be an ever-changing challenge. But some things never change. One of those constants is that caregivers and friends must fully understand and accept that the person with dementia is not a child any sense of the word. Dementia may have robbed our friends or loved ones of their ability to understand their own environment, follow a sequence of directions or even understand how to use the toilet. These issues do not in any way make these people less than adults and they should never be treated as such.

Read more about communicating with people with dementia:

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Speak Respectfully to Cognitively Impaired Parent

Dear Carol: My sister, Ann, teaches nursery school several hundred miles away from our home town where I still live. Our mom has dementia and is in a nursing home here. I’m happy to visit Mom often and take care of her needs. Ann handles Mom’s finances, so she is also contributing to mom’s care. We get along well in general, but her occasional visits create tension. Ann means well, but she’ll sit with Mom and me in the room, and just talk to me, ignoring Mom. Ann says she’s uncomfortable sitting alone with Mom, since Mom’s dementia makes her hard to talk to. When she does talk to Mom, she addresses her like a three-year-old child. I don’t want to insult my sister so I haven’t said anything, but I feel bad for Mom. What do I do? Randy

Read more about communicating successfully with aging parent:

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Where Is the Line Between Caregiver Stress and Burnout?

Every person who becomes a caregiver will have unique personality traits, yet we nearly always share certain feelings and experiences as we travel a road similar to one another. That’s one reason that caregivers often turn to other caregivers for support. It’s a version of the adage that we need to walk in another’s shoes in order to truly understand what they feel. One of those shared experiences is a certain amount of stress.

Read more about the line between caregiver stress and burnout:

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Know Your Hospitalization Codes or Risk Medicare Denial

Your mom has fallen in her home and you’re now sitting with her in the hospital. Nothing is broken, they said, but she suffered a back injury they want to monitor. They’d like to keep her in the hospital for observation. You say sure, why not? She stays several days and then is released to a rehab facility for follow-up care.  Medicare pays for the first 20 days a patient is in a rehab facility only if the patient is admitted and remains in the hospital for three days prior to treatment. But, according to AAPR, hospitals are increasingly leaving Medicare hospital patients “under observation” without officially admitting them.

Read more about hospitalization codes and Medicare coverage:

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Different Dementia Types Can Co-Exist

Dear Carol: I’m confused about my husband’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. He was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease three years ago, but now we are told he is showing Parkinson’s symptoms. The doctor talks to all of us like we should know everything about dementia and Parkinson’s, and our questions just seem to annoy him. The more I read about the different types of dementia the more confused I get. This new information about Parkinson’s disease has just made it worse. Are there different types of Alzheimer’s? – Lila

Read more about confusing Alzheimer's diagnoses:

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